Blackbird fly...

Looking back on the last year and a half, I have been so lost and scared out of my mind.

I know that I should have looked upon my unlikely situation and find the golden lining to my life.

But for so long I was not me. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep. Most of the things I did were self-destructive – cutting, and thoughts of suicide. I was even angry and had NO trouble telling people exactly how I felt, without a thought of the consequences for my actions. Now know that I did have a right to say how I felt, but not in the manner that I did it.

Around Halloween I started having non stop anxiety and was withdrawing from life even more than before, which you wouldn't think possible. I was holding on by a thread.

Throughout my life, I have never let myself experience happiness until I had reached a certain perceived level of perfection or accomplishment. Not skinny enough? Sorry, can’t be happy. Not in control of my emotions? Sorry, can’t be happy. Don’t have my life all figured out? Sorry, you can’t be happy. These are the kinds of things I told myself. These thought patterns have been part of who I am since I was a very young child and have affected the entire course of my life. I keep myself down, I keep myself in a rut, because I don’t let good things happen until I have achieved my ideal, if ever that may happen.

Problem is, my “ideal” is unrealistic and unattainable. I am NEVER going to be able to have total control of my life and what is going to happen. So as long I do not allow myself to be happy until control and stability in my life is attained, I will never, ever be happy. Until I relinquish my quest for a perfect life. I will continue to keep myself down unless I somehow learn to live in the moment and let go of the  expectations I have of myself. If I  don't let go, I will never allow myself to realize my dreams and experience any measure of happiness in life.

I won’t let myself experience life to the fullest.

Knowing how my thoughts were wrong but unable to change how I thought was driving me insane. I knew I was given the gift of being here with my family but I wasn't really here.

 That is when I looked up and saw the angel in the sky. 

I missed the feeling of joy and happiness. I wondered if I would ever feel it again. Misery and emptiness was all I felt. Can you feel emptiness, why yes you can. How can you feel nothing, something that is missing, oh wait, that is what you feel. You remember how you should feel. I ended up at the doctor knowing I needed help. I ended up in a worse place trying to go off one antidepressant to another and all the while having withdrawl syptoms. I ended up in a place that changed my life. And to think all this could have changed had I known I could change the one medication the rat poison Coumadin. When I tried to explain how I felt to a doctor, He said the words that haunted me before I could. "How can you look at the miracle of your life and wish you were dead?" I was caught off guard and relieved at the same time. I was understood by someone. This is when something in me clicked. I was calm and knew everything was going to be okay.  He said the very thing that was haunting me since I woke from the coma was addressed. How could I ever admit this to people? What would my family think? How horrible am I? How ungrateful?

I was also not alone. God was not mad at me for my thoughts. HE understood too. I had to go through what I did to become whole again. I was getting help with people who could relate. Oh how I learned so much. I found myself helping others and somehow, being a source of light for others in darkness.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Now I won't lie, I have my issues and always will, but I am now free from the everlasting darkness. Although money is super tight, I am still doing well. I am however gaining weight from one of my medications, but I am alive and feel. I may get tears still, but usually they are tears of joy and heartwarming stories. I am alive and HE has never left my side.

I AM NEVER GOING TO BE PERFECT.
I AM ALWAYS GOING TO HAVE PROBLEMS OF SOME SORT.
I AM ALWAYS GOING TO MAKE MISTAKES.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECT FAIRY TALE ENDING, ONLY A NEW BEGINNING OF A NEW ADVENTURE.
I’m always going to have flaws and imperfections. I’m never going to feel happy all of the time. There will always be struggles, whether it be with myself, in my marriage, with my family, whatever… I’m never going to be perfect…
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT.
THERE IS JUST ME.
I AM ME.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I AM OK WITH THAT.

My Oh My...

"My Oh My"

What on earth is going on in my heart

Has it turned as cold as stone

Seems these days I don't feel anything

Less it cuts me right down to the bone

What on earth is going on in my heart

My oh my you know it just don't stop

It's in my mind I wanna tear it up

I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off

But it's not enough

It takes a lotta love

It takes a lotta love my friend

To keep your heart from freezing

To push on till the end

My oh my

What on earth is going on in my head

You know I used to be so sure

You know I used to be so definite

Thought I knew what love was for

I look around these days and I'm not so sure

My oh my you know I just can't win

I burn it down it comes right back again

What kinda world is this we're living in

where you never win

It takes a lotta love

It takes a lotta love these days

To keep your heart from freezing

To keep your spirit free

By David Grey

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I have seen my share of miracles and sadly horrors this last year and a half. 

I lost a part of me and I am so ashamed and lost. I don't want to be different. I don't even know how to process these changes. 

I have had a hard time with anxiety and now depression. 

Losing my niece was more than I could emotionally handle, not to mention the nightmare that unfolded during it. I have never felt pure evil until then. I didn't even believe such things could happen...

EVER!

I am now trying to manage my issues with Coumadin(rat poison or Warfarin) and heart problems with a good anxiety/depression medication. So far, doctors are afraid of me due to these situations and it makes it hard to find a "safe" pill to take to make things all better. I have been in a crazy (literally) state since before Halloween. I have missed so much work and feel so guilty. 

How am I supposed to deal with all of this, work full time, be a mom(of teenagers!!!) wife and housekeeper???

The truth is I can't. How horrible is that? 

I have no option but to work to support my family. Right now I have good pay for someone with no schooling, a good career path and benefits. Even with working, we are having a little difficulty with money. Poor Skyler has paid for college with his own money and lucky for cheer, it is a smaller amount, but still hefty. The girls are in need of things too and it makes me feel so much like a failure to miss days of work and not get paid. Christmas is going to be a miracle this year. My next check will be almost nothing. Why can't I just get my shit together and function like a normal human being? And now how will people look at me now that I aired my dirty little secret? 

Heart failure and strokes have changed almost everything for me and affects my family too. I even stress about my kids and knowing that the heart failure is genetic.

Danny sure is my rock. I know I don't deserve him. I love my family so much and I don't know how to make it all better.

Troubled Waters...

People have been asking about me...

Here is the only answer I can give.

This picture perfectly describes how I have been feeling for the last year. 

Here, but not really here.

I have not felt like myself. The doctors said it would take a few years, but with my progress, I didn't think I would still feel this way after a year and 4 months.

I quit therapy. I didn't like him all that much. Also, I couldn't quite explain the empty hole I feel. It is like a part of me did not come back or died permanently. 

Sadly, it is the part of me that felt joy. I can't seem to connect with it.

Why is it the part I need most now seems so inaccessible. 

It's like I can feel the edge of it, but not quite grasp it.

Is it gone forever?

 The rainbows and stormy weather have reminded me that in all things their is diversity.

I have a brain injury. Not a huge one, but I know now that the brain is so complex and a tiny bruise can cause a wide variety of problems. It will heal, but it takes awhile.

 I am depressed and constantly filled with anxiety. I feel pain in my heart on a regular basis and my digestive system has been so out of wack since the hospital. I also have had the worst periods ever that leave me so weak I can barely function.

All this and my toes on my left foot involuntarily causing cramping and tight muscles and  is now happening to my left hand and arm. Keeps me awake at night and is so annoying. It's like not being able to stop your flexing muscles and the ability to relax. I can't even make my toes and fingers curl like that on purpose! Grr...

The problem is which doctor do I talk to and will they do anything?

 I am also quick to anger. I have done a lot of things since being home that I regret, yet not really 100% regret. I can tell people how I feel, but I don't mean to hurt them. I just want certain people OUT of my life forever.

 I am trying to be more helpful and learn new things. I find that trying to look up everything I don't know about teaches helps me to feel less dumb. I have trouble with math, spelling and finding words. I even studder sometimes. My memory is not at its best either. People seem so surprised when I don't remember an event or something.

Can it be fixed?

 I try to find support where I can. I read blogs and I listen to Christian music.Which to my surprise, my girls listen to too. It has been a healing and strengthening tool for us to use.

 I feel a strong connection to my Savior and Heavenly Father. I know that they love me and although I feel I can not handle these trials, that I really can. It is so hard to know that I am letting them down with my whining and tears. It is okay to feel how I do. Even though my family is fed up with me, I know that they don't or can't understand. 

I just have to keep moving forward.

 This little tyke sure does help. And so does her big sister. 

Their wonder and love lift me and fill me with purpose and make me laugh a lot!

Although my life is stormy and I feel overwhelmed with doctor appointments, tests, and health issues, I can look up and see the sun. 

The Heavens seem closer to me in ways I can't explain, I just feel it. Like a memory you can't quite grasp. I can feel the angels around me and see the signs so much better than before.

 

I also feel those that have passed around me all the time and am not afraid of death. I just want a better quality of life. I know I have so much to be thankful for and things could be so much worse. People all over the world are suffering and some have it worse than others. 

The thing I learned is that ALL of us are important. Some peoples troubles may be worse than yours, but every ache we feel is real and just as important as the next person's. Jesus died for us and felt every single thing we feel. He knows and carries us. He loves us and we owe it to Him to love one another as he would and have Faith. We need to believe in ourselves. We are stronger than we think and we are never alone.

Broken Things to Mend

Jeffrey R. Holland

The first words Jesus spoke in His majestic Sermon on the Mount were to the troubled, the discouraged and downhearted. “Blessed are the poor in spirit,” He said, “for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”¹ Whether you are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or among the tens of thousands listening this morning who are not of our faith, I speak to those who are facing personal trials and family struggles, those who endure conflicts fought in the lonely foxholes of the heart, those trying to hold back floodwaters of despair that sometimes wash over us like a tsunami of the soul. I wish to speak particularly to you who feel your lives are broken, seemingly beyond repair.

To all such I offer the surest and sweetest remedy that I know. It is found in the clarion call the Savior of the world Himself gave. He said it in the beginning of His ministry, and He said it in the end. He said it to believers, and He said it to those who were not so sure. He said to everyone, whatever their personal problems might be:

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.”

In this promise, that introductory phrase, “come unto me,” is crucial. It is the key to the peace and rest we seek. Indeed, when the resurrected Savior gave His sermon at the temple to the Nephites in the New World, He began, “Blessed are the poor in spirit who come unto me, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” 

For the rest of the talk go Here.

BRING ON THE RAIN

SO...

Anyone who knows me, knows I suffer from depression.

Life has thrown a lot at me and I have barely survived. I am not very strong or optimistic.

I am...working on it.


I have been extremely exhausted and losing a lot of blood. I went in to the doctor to see what is going on and why I don't feel good or have any energy. He told me he didn't think it was my heart, but rather the warfarin(rat poison) that has been really hard to control lately.

You would think by now that I would be used to it, but it is causing some problems. Bruises show up everywhere and I look like Alisha does when she has low platelets.

They ran some tests and found me to be extremely low in iron. So I have researched this. My mom and Amber are anemic, but I never really paid attention due to me being healthy. The symptoms matched up perfectly, but worried me. Iron deficiency can cause problems with your heart. I certainly don't need any more of that.

I got really worried about it causing my heart to enlarge again and go down in work efficiency. I can't handle that right now. My family (especially Danny) makes me feel guilty for napping or what I don't get done around the house. It makes me feel like such a failure and so misunderstood. I don't want to be this person who is tired and in pain. I don't want to have these serious health problems at a young age, but I do. I didn't do anything wrong, it just happened. And is hereditary and tests can't tell you whether you will have it or not.You just have to have your heart checked periodically. A medical mystery. Yay me and my children and their children! Not!

I also am NOT going to let people get to me. I will stand up and show that I will not tolerate that kind of treatment. I could walk away, but I am in the keep fighting mood and they will not bring me down.

I have to keep fighting to survive in all aspects of my life.

I know it takes a lot of time to recover and, even though I have shown such miraculous recovery, that I would have hard times and sickness and anxiety would wipe me out and could reverse the good that has been done.

A friend of mine said, "Poor girl, you just can't catch a break."

So I wanted to let people know how I am doing today.
I have always loved this song...Yes ANOTHER song!


Bring on the rain by Jo Dee Messina.

Another day has almost come and gone 
Can't imagine what else could go wrong  
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door  
A single battle lost but not the war
 
'Cause, tomorrow's another day 
And I'm thirsty anyway  
So bring on the rain
 
It's almost like the hard times circle 'round 
A couple drops and they all start coming down  
Yeah, I might feel defeated and I might hang my head 
I might be barely breathing but I'm not dead, no
 
'Cause, tomorrow's another day  
And I'm thirsty anyway  
 So bring on the rain, ooh
 
I'm not gonna let it get me down I'm not gonna cry 
 And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight
 
'Cause, tomorrow's another day  
And I'm thirsty anyway  
So bring on the rain
 
'Cause, tomorrow's another day 
And I'm thirsty anyway  
So bring on the rain, ooh
 
Bring on, bring on the rain
 
No I'm not gonna let it get me down  
I'm not gonna cry  

So bring on the rain, ooh 
Bring on, bring on the rain  
Bring on the rain  
Bring on the rain, ooh

Lindsey Stirling...

I saved up some money and took all the kids except McKenna who is weird and doesn't totally love Lindsey Stirling. We gave her ticket to Autumn so she came with us.

It WAS AMAZING! She is so much fun to watch and so cute.

It was great to have the family there together for our favorite violinist/dancer/comedian/singer.

 Alisha, Taisha and Danny.

Skyler.

I find Lindsey so inspiring and I love to listen to her to relax.

Thank you Lindsey for not giving up after America's got talent 

and bringing joy into our lives!!

Angel...

I found this poem while looking into support groups. It was from an unknown person who had a niece write this poem for her uncle's funeral. It touched me and I wanted to share the message from an Angel. I also love this picture of Dean Winchester (Jensen Ackles)!

Angel (by Sarah)

I saw an angel yesterday, with eyes of blue and curly hair of gray.

I asked him why you went away, and he said it was your time,
you could not stay;

I told him I was very sad and if the truth be known actually mad;
he said you had a life so full and true, that I should be happy not sad and blue.

I told him I love you, miss you and could not believe my loss.
He said all things worth living for come at a cost;

With a smirk on his face and a twinkle in his eye,
He said I need to be happy and quit questioning why;

That in order to live we all must die; And this is a time to rejoice, not to cry;

He would be by my side and always near, So I must live my life to the fullest without any fear;

He said he would see me one day when my time has come; When my old life would be over and my new jorney begun;

So for now I must be happy and look to the sky; Because all good things under Christ never die. 

My ramblings...

 My sister Amber helped Alisha and McKenna make these for me when I was in the hospital.

I just hung them by my bed so I can look at them as I fall asleep. Now I need ones with the other two.

 I bought a medical bracelet so if I am unconscious with no one I know, they will know my conditions and meds. The other one a lady made me when she heard my story.
It says heart failure, Stroke, survivor. Thank you for thinking of me and making me smile and a positive way to look at what happend to me.

 I visited with one of my cardiologists.

 I got bored and took pictures of the info in the room

 This is your heart

 This is inside your heart.

 This side is weird looking.

 Brain and heart functions.

 This made me remember the late actor John Ritter and I miss him. HE was cool!

The bruised fingers after, being poked to death, to tell me I am taking too much
Warfarin (rat poison)

So we now know to change the dosage AGAIN.

Joy. NOT.

I would absolutely prefer to bleed to death than have another stroke. That was the worst thing ever! The procedure to extract them still haunts my dreams.

I sure love that I have been given a second chance at life and still feel a little scared, and know that I still have unfun test to have done and anything can happen.

For now, I just want to be happy and enjoy my life in the moment with those who truly matter.

Anxiety will always be with me, but I am doing much better at dealing with and controlling it.

I will keep trying to be a good and loving person to the best that I can do. I will stand up for me and what I believe in. I will be me.

I can be happy!
It's up to me.

Those who would rather see me hurt or dead don't bother me anymore.
I don't hurt and it doesn't bother me, but if they take it out on my kids...WATCH OUT! I am coming for you. Hopefully, we will never see those negative, selfish people again. If they have a problem with me or Danny, they can take it up with God to find forgiveness. I have forgiven and moved waaaayy on.


On a different note, my therapist is loving an Idea I have of finding inner peace and chasing away my demons.

He asked me if it would be okay to teach this technique to his other patients. I said go for it.

I always wanted to be a child psychologist. It is in me.

Stranger and wiser...

What a strange and awesome day so far...

So..

I awoke this morning to a light knock at the door. Danny quickly jumps up to see who would be at our house at 5 in the morning, when we hear Taisha and a boy talking with happiness in their voices and the door closed.

Danny confused asked me what was going on? LOL
He probably thought she was sneaking off with a boy, not to sneakily I would say.

I was smiling from the moment I heard their happy voices and told Danny come back to bed and that Taisha is running with her friend Brandon Hoffman. In fact, they have done something everyday this week with all their friends. They hiked they Y and rode their bikes up to Bridal Veil Falls and rock climbed. She is such a health nut and enjoys being outdoors like her Dad and I.

Then she told me an idea she and her friends have for a friend who is moving at the end of the summer. (More on that maybe later). This is Taisha's awesome thing she can share if she wants to.

So we went to the store. It was fun.

Then I went to work and found a police officer walking out of the building. Thinking...this can't be good and what a great way to start the work day.

Well, I handled it and have been told by many that I did well. I also spread the word that 911 calls are not to be taken lightly because people like me need them to respond quickly and if they are out chasing these pranks, or accidental calls, people who need them will have less chance of survival.

I also received this email from an individual at work:

"Thank you for your email. I could tell you were very passionate, and now after you shared some of your challenges with me, I understand even better the critical nature of your concerns.

You are a great example to me, and everyone that knows you.

Thanks for being who you are."

---------------------------

My story has been going around and I have been contacted by some interesting and what I would call angels to help me along my way. Most people have forgotten or think that my problems are solved or behind me, but they are most definitely not. At any time I could have another heart failure or stroke. It scares me, but I am learning everyday to let go and live my life.

A father of Taisha's good friend on her climbing team, an ex police officer,  heard my story and said that it was such a miracle and that he usually is the first on the scene and it takes the paramedics at least 14 minutes to get there. With my situation, I would have not made it. He was so wowed by my story and that I survived that he was so grateful that he heard this story because so often,  the stories in his line of work have such a sad ending. It made me feel kind of awkward, but his big smile and kindness of how wonderful my story was, made me feel it was less a horrible thing that happened.

Then...

A lady in California that was staying at the hotel we were at, was told by my hubby about me and what she had to say was exactly what Danny needed to be reminded of. She was so kind and seemed to be one of those angels who gave me love and support. It made me feel like I could help people and think of this in a more positive way.

Also...
A lady sent in her resume for a job here and had her blog at the end of her signature, so being a blog lover, I read it, at work, you know to see if she was crazy and hirable... :)

I somehow got taken to 5/12/2012 post. I didn't read the date until after, but she talked about living in two realms: the realm of the ordinary world of getting up in the morning and answering the phone, and going to work, the world of traffic and noise and obligations: and the realm of stopped time where her sister is dead and she was shrouded in confusion of her loss. 

For me I am still dealing with all the people I have lost in a year. But I also have to deal with this also happening to me and not knowing how I was going to live and keep moving forward when all I wanted to do is ask "Why?"

I do not know how we are going to survive all these trials but I also knew that grief was private and a journey each of us would have to make alone, until I couldn't keep it to myself anymore and had to scream out loud for all to hear. You are tired of living, and you say : life is an evil. Sooner or later you will be consoled and you will say: life is good.  We do not want to comprehend that people may and do die , and recognize the terror in ourselves when we cannot seem to help someone in despair-- even when it is yourself and when people try to help with words that are empty. How can they understand my pain...They can't.

 My soul is oppressed with the weight of life. For a long time it has been a burden to me: I have lost everything that could have endured it to me, only the sorrow remains to me. I was ready to die, but I didn't.

Again. "Why?' I felt so much grief.

This condition is called post-traumatic stress syndrome. But I prefer to call it simply disbelief. There are certain things in life for which we can never be prepared. I do not know how I was able to laugh again. I am still trying to deal with how to not feel fear every time my children walk out the door, or when the phone rings, not wanting to hear bad news or a sudden pain in my chest or numbness.

But in life, nothing  actually dies. Everything goes on existing, always. No power on earth can obliterate that which has once had being. Every act, every word, every form, every thought, falls into the universal ocean of things, and produces a ripple on its surface that goes on enlarging beyond the furthest bounds of eternity. The most mysterious part of grief is that you think you can will it away. You can refuse to think about it. In one part of your mind you can hold it, but sometimes you have to let it go. You often war with it. You grieve for a lifetime because those we love are a part of us even after they have left us, even after they have betrayed us, and our love for them, by taking their life with their own hands. Some times grief comes to visit again like a long lost friend. It is mysterious, but never take it for granted. Get to know it well as you know your best friend. In moments when I should have been happy, I sometimes fretted. At times, in secret, I succumbed to periods where I wanted to spend mornings sleeping or lingering in the bedroom, sometimes almost paralyzed by a heaviness and mysterious fatigue that would not lift. At times I viewed the world darkly: isolated and consumed by a sense of foreboding, I thought the only those who had experienced the loss of a loved on could understand. During those periods it was as if I was only going through the motions of living. Time doesn't really heal, it only makes living more bearable.

The Prisoner...

It is hard to do...but the freedom of letting go is priceless!

I love to read Max Lucado's books.

They all have such good lessons and lift your spirit higher.

It's All Understood...

 

 It's All Understood by Jack Johnson.

Everyone laughed at her joke,

as if they’d never even heard it before.

And maybe they were truly amused

but every word that she spoke was a bore.

And maybe it’s because they had seen

the previews on the TV screen.

Well this part is good and that’s well understood so you should laugh

if you know what I mean.

But its all relative

even if you don’t understand.

Well its all understood,

especially when you don’t understand.

And its all just because,

even if we don’t understand,

then let’s all just believe.

Everyone knows what went down,

because the news was spread all over town.

And fact is only what you believe.

And fact and fiction work as a team.

Its almost always fiction in the end.

The content begins to bend.

When context is never the same.

And its all relative

even if we don’t understand.

And its all understood,

especially when we don’t understand.

And its all just because,

even if we don’t understand.

Then let’s all just believe-I was reading a book.

Well, maybe it was a magazine.

Suggestions on where to place faith,

suggestions on what to believe.

But I read somewhere that you’ve got to beware.

You can’t believe anything you read.

But the good book is good and that’s well understood,

so don’t even question if you know what I mean.

But its all relative,

even if you don’t understand.

Well its all understood,

especially when you don’t understand.

Well its all just because,

even if we don’t understand.

Let’s all just believe.

But there you go once again you missed the point,

and then you point your fingers at me and say that I said not to believe.

But there you go once again you missed the point,

and then you point your fingers at me and you say that I said not to believe.

I believe.

But there you go once again you missed the point,

and then you point your fingers at me and you say that I said not to believe.

I believe...I guess.

I guess its all relative.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was questioning the truth in my heart today about my inner beliefs of the church I go to.

When I woke from the coma, I was surprised, even deeply SHOCKED to find that my question about whether the church I attend is true was not answered, yet it was. This is something I NEVER spoke about. I have not agreed with the politics of churches, even my own.

However, I did have a STRONG peaceful feeling about Heavenly Father and his son. Two separate people who loves us. EVERYONE.

 Every person sees a conflict or situation in a different light, but no point of view can be any more wrong than another, just different. Thus, believes that declaring anybody of having an incorrect opinion because it is different, or going to hell because they have a different religion, is being intolerant because you cannot see that their point of view is relative to where they were raised and the conditions they have been through. Any statement of never questioning anything, like "the good book is good, and that's well understood, so don't even question if you know what I mean is sarcasm. Jack believes that each person should believe in something, but be sure to believe in something you want to believe in, and don't harass others for thinking differently. His statement "it's all understood, even when you don't understand" is sarcasm as well as he says that understanding anything requires an understanding of any reason why anybody would see the understanding differently. The song is about how society has accepted intolerance as understood, but nobody understands why this intolerance is understood.

I can tell that I feel differently about this than most of you. I may be misinterpreting your explanations, but everyone has their own demons and you can not understand what they are going through.

I think, most simply put, Jack is basically picking on how people generally just believe (or at least say they believe) what everyone is telling them to (i.e. the media, religions, friends)in order to not stand out or "stray". Rather than believing/advocating what you truly believe, he is saying that the general masses choose to follow along with each other because it is just safer and easier that way. "Everyone laughed at her joke, as if they never even heard it before. And maybe they were truly amused, but every word she she spoke was a bore" - this is poking fun at how some people might pretend to laugh at person's joke/act amused to hopefully be liked by this person, even though what she is saying is probably not amusing. This represents altering your true beliefs in order to be accepted in this situation. "But the good book is good and that's well understood so don't even question if you know what I mean" is him kind of poking fun at how certain and strict the bible, Christianity, religion are, and how it would be wrong to question. It's written sarcastically because he doesn't think it would be wrong for one to question these "well understood" beliefs if they truly don't believe them. In short, I think he is just encouraging you to hold true and speak your actual personal beliefs and opinions, whatever they are, whether they happen to agree with the masses or not.

I 100% believe in what he is saying.

I believe in listening to the small voice and your heart. I feel my spirit like never before and it is telling me and leading me in a good direction.

God wants us to be who we are and keep growing to be more Christlike. Live by his commandments and not judge. I love those who suffer with addictions, those who are gay or what not. God wants us to forgive and help one another not make them feel worse. We are NOT their judge and jury. Their problems are between them and GOD. I will repeat this often in this post.

I find that if I don't attend church we are treated like scum and the looks are so hurtful. Every now and then we do not make it and my kids get harassed by teachers and the other kids in their classes. EVERY time. My son will not go to church because he is teased and made fun of because I can't afford to buy him a suit. When asked by the bishop why he only goes to sacrament, I told him. He said he never hears this stuff going on, yet another of the youth told me the same thing and no longer goes to church. He was such a good kid like my boy and just a few negative words, often enough, drove them away. Who will answer to God for that?

People are so afraid to be "out of the fold" they have to announce to the entire ward why they missed last week, which is NO ONES business. We should worry about ourselves and our families. 

My true belief is that NO church is wrong or right, but I am a Christian and firm believer in God and his Son. And I question a lot and sometimes I disagree with others answers about what they think it all means. No church owns me. My Father and his Son does.

I attended a friends baby blessing in Magna, where their families were not Mormon and came dressed in their nice button up shirts and levi's. Being fast Sunday, people of that ward got up to share their testimony, but I found that almost every person that got up to speak, talked about how we should dress to come into the Lords house. I watched with a heavy heart as most of their friends and family got up and left feeling judged and unwanted. I knew that day, with the most sickened heart, that people misunderstand the true meaning of God. Instead of trying to bring them to God and church, they turned them away. I also find that other churches have this beautiful place to go to pray and find yourself. Mormon's only have beautiful temples for those who are "worthy" of it. People need to have a "temple to go to to find themselves and what they believe to fight their demons. Where do the "unworthy" go to find that peace and truth? 

I am like Jack, not saying to not believe, but believe in standing for what you feel is right, even if you are standing alone. If you feel church is right then that is good for you. Stand for it, but let others stand for what they believe too.

I also have decided that I am no longer going to go to a church that I do not feel loves everyone, more than they judge those who are different. I will no longer play the game of "pretend". Humanity, love and charity  is the true way to Heaven. Living the best that we can is the best that we can do.

Laguna Beach...

 We brought the boys here to see the pools, and sadly encountered a seal. The ladies told us that because people kept taking the starfishes and other sea life, the ocean was taken over by the plant eaters who then ate all the plants and you see where this is going. Because of the food and pollution problems, they are finding the seals ashore. They had to take three including this one and luckily, one went back into the sea, but the ones they took will not live. There is nothing they can do to save them. 

So, so sad.

 Talking to Autumn who checked on a VERY preggo Bree everyday!

 This beach is so beautiful!

 Danny and I stopped to eat some expensive but delicious food. He got fish tacos and I got BBQ Pork sandwich.

 We have added a boy to our group (Sam) and the team came down to join them in beach fun before practice.

 The lady told us that Cranes usually stay away from people, but this one followed Danny everywhere.

 The Pools.

What a glorious day!!! We got tanned and the boys burned.