Baring the naked truth...

I am a person who bares all...good, bad and just plain crazy.

I hate all things about me.

 I hate my ugly teeth.

I hate my fatness.

I hate that I give in to the anxiety that keeps me from enjoying and doing things with the people I love.

I hate that I have the anxiety disorders. It makes me damaged and crazy in peoples eyes, especially mine.

I hate that I loose my temper.

I hate that people are afraid of me.

I hate that people feel they need to walk on egg shells around me.

I hate that I have no confidence.

I hate that I am not the wife and mother my family needs.

I hate that I whine and complain.

I hate that I am a pessimist.

I hate that I am poor white trash.

I hate that people can't count on me.

I hate that I can't be myself.

I hate that I can't be happy.

I hate that I struggle believing in the church.

I hate that I don't always follow through with things.

I hate that I can't stop these feelings and make a change permanent.

I hate feeling so alone.

The truth is, there is the real person inside of me who no one knows, well some people know.

I have walls.

It took some good friends and my grandma, whom I looked up to...

to make me realize some things.

and oh and how it hurt to hear...

and accept.

I am sorry to all for my craziness. 

I am the type of person who keeps taking it for awhile and then blows...and then immediately feels super regret and guilt...this lasts forever. I then feel like everyone would be better off without me.

I am working really hard to get rid of the anxiety so I no longer have a "disorder". I just want to be like everyone else and feel that I am worth the love of my friends and family, but mostly my Heavenly Father. I feel like such a failure in his eyes.

I don't want people to have negative views of me, but that protective shell is all I put out there for people to see.

Please know that I am sorry, and my intentions are good. But sometimes I don't make my intentions clear enough for others to understand, and I am so often wrong. 

But my intentions are good.

Fat Cat or Luna...

We had a backyard friend for a few years. 

I used to see this cat sitting on the summer shack and scream. She was so quiet and scary and still that I would not notice her until she moved a little.Then, we finally befriended her. 

We called her "Fat Cat" for awhile because we didn't know the sex or name of the cat. We also had no idea who's cat this was. As you can see from the pictures, this fat, super furry cat became comfortable with us and showed up whenever we went in the backyard, especially when we BBQd. We saw how she was on the heavy side so we NEVER shared food with her. She was on a special diet according to my neighbor(her owner). 

Last night I arrived home minutes after she had been hit by a car. The neighbors were out so I went to see her. She was still alive, but super broken...

They said they were going to take her to be put to sleep.

I cried and so did McKenna. 

I truly loved Luna. She ALWAYS made me happy. She also had an awesome name.

I don't understand how someone can run over an animal and just leave it. 

We had two dogs hit by a car with our little daughers witnessing it, and the people never stopped. To most people, they are JUST animals, but to the people that own them, they are family. They are God's creatures. 

Luckily our neighbor's employee saw it happen or she could have been ran over by us again.

I feel silly crying over a cat that wasn't even mine, but I feel she was like an angel. Watching over me and coming when I needed her.

Bye Luna...I will miss you.

Light Sabers...And the ultimate winner is...

Brandon and Skyler...and a very warm Christmas Eve.

My boy has been a joy in my life. I LOVED the Star Wars, Batman, Toy Story, and Pokemon phases he went through, or should I say is still going through.

I am not an ordinary mom. I am a yeller, crazy weirdo, and sometimes a kid.

It is not a secret...

I have had nerf gun wars with the kids, scare contests, water fights, pie fights-Skyler didn't think this was funny, and light saber wars. Dancing and singing around the house or while doing chores is a common occurrence for us.

Normally, I lose except for the scare tactics, but I am proud to say that last week, I won the light saber war!!!! Yes, Skyler gave up and was scared of my awesome light saber abilities. He was my toughest opponent, and I usually fought two girls at a time and still won.

I have not laughed so hard in a long time. I love my kids and doing crazy stuff with them.

Hot pots or bust...

 

Friday night at 9pm, Danny & I, Dennis & Marnae, and Russ got our snowshoes and headed to Diamond Fork to go to the hot pots. 

Well...it was a bust.

We got up there and the road was closed, so we got out and decided to do extra hiking and walk there. So after walking forever, with our new headlamps (that we didn't even need due to the moon being bright), and carrying our snowshoes(we didn't need), we realized it would take MUCH longer to get there than we thought.

So Dennis, Marnae and I made snow angels, mine looked funny because of the backpack I had on, and then on the way back, Dennis layed in the road and told us to look at the stars and moon. The quick moving clouds made it look as though the moon and stars were actually moving. We layed there in 17 degree weather and talked and laughed. The picture looked exactly like the sky, even the ring, but with clouds every now and then.

It ended up being an amazing night due to the amazing friends we have!

Cheers for now until our next adventure!