My Oh My...

"My Oh My"

What on earth is going on in my heart

Has it turned as cold as stone

Seems these days I don't feel anything

Less it cuts me right down to the bone

What on earth is going on in my heart

My oh my you know it just don't stop

It's in my mind I wanna tear it up

I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off

But it's not enough

It takes a lotta love

It takes a lotta love my friend

To keep your heart from freezing

To push on till the end

My oh my

What on earth is going on in my head

You know I used to be so sure

You know I used to be so definite

Thought I knew what love was for

I look around these days and I'm not so sure

My oh my you know I just can't win

I burn it down it comes right back again

What kinda world is this we're living in

where you never win

It takes a lotta love

It takes a lotta love these days

To keep your heart from freezing

To keep your spirit free

By David Grey

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I have seen my share of miracles and sadly horrors this last year and a half. 

I lost a part of me and I am so ashamed and lost. I don't want to be different. I don't even know how to process these changes. 

I have had a hard time with anxiety and now depression. 

Losing my niece was more than I could emotionally handle, not to mention the nightmare that unfolded during it. I have never felt pure evil until then. I didn't even believe such things could happen...

EVER!

I am now trying to manage my issues with Coumadin(rat poison or Warfarin) and heart problems with a good anxiety/depression medication. So far, doctors are afraid of me due to these situations and it makes it hard to find a "safe" pill to take to make things all better. I have been in a crazy (literally) state since before Halloween. I have missed so much work and feel so guilty. 

How am I supposed to deal with all of this, work full time, be a mom(of teenagers!!!) wife and housekeeper???

The truth is I can't. How horrible is that? 

I have no option but to work to support my family. Right now I have good pay for someone with no schooling, a good career path and benefits. Even with working, we are having a little difficulty with money. Poor Skyler has paid for college with his own money and lucky for cheer, it is a smaller amount, but still hefty. The girls are in need of things too and it makes me feel so much like a failure to miss days of work and not get paid. Christmas is going to be a miracle this year. My next check will be almost nothing. Why can't I just get my shit together and function like a normal human being? And now how will people look at me now that I aired my dirty little secret? 

Heart failure and strokes have changed almost everything for me and affects my family too. I even stress about my kids and knowing that the heart failure is genetic.

Danny sure is my rock. I know I don't deserve him. I love my family so much and I don't know how to make it all better.