Not A Pity Party...

I have been a little troubled lately. I was suggesting to a child that they should marry a certain individual that I like and deem worthy. Now before everyone starts preaching to me, I want you to know that I have always thought of myself as a wanna be match maker when in fact Danny has been the successful one on a couple of occasions.

Well let me get back to the point. After stating my opinion Danny stated that this child should NOT marry this person due to their health issues. Another child said that that wasn't very nice ( I did too, it was a mean.) They then said "Are you saying you wouldn't have married Mom then?"

His reply was "No I wouldn't have knowing my children could have inherited Idiopathic Dialated Cardiomyopathy." Now this may have felt like a punch to the stomach for me and my kids were a little upset by his revelation.

But...

He is right. Right?

All of us "damaged" people should be sent off to some far island were we can die alone. Isn't that what Hitler was doing? Who could love us?

I remember Dr. Wang telling me that IDCM is hereditary, my mom has it as well. Tears sprang to my eyes and I though WHAT HAVE I DONE to my kids?! How can this be happening? I would never had kids had I known, although it is not certain that any of them will get it. But I felt and still feel guilty and panic when they tell me their hearts are doing weird things. Things I know all too well.

It also makes me feel that I am undesirable as a wife. I am a throw back.

Just like in the Divergent series, the world wants to get rid of the people who are faulty. The books are not necessarily about health but same guide lines.

I am not going to dwell on this to much longer because it was out of my hands and in no way my fault. I believe that all people need love and companionship especially those who have to deal with the lot God gave them. For they are the strongest people you will ever meet.

BRING ON THE RAIN

SO...

Anyone who knows me, knows I suffer from depression.

Life has thrown a lot at me and I have barely survived. I am not very strong or optimistic.

I am...working on it.


I have been extremely exhausted and losing a lot of blood. I went in to the doctor to see what is going on and why I don't feel good or have any energy. He told me he didn't think it was my heart, but rather the warfarin(rat poison) that has been really hard to control lately.

You would think by now that I would be used to it, but it is causing some problems. Bruises show up everywhere and I look like Alisha does when she has low platelets.

They ran some tests and found me to be extremely low in iron. So I have researched this. My mom and Amber are anemic, but I never really paid attention due to me being healthy. The symptoms matched up perfectly, but worried me. Iron deficiency can cause problems with your heart. I certainly don't need any more of that.

I got really worried about it causing my heart to enlarge again and go down in work efficiency. I can't handle that right now. My family (especially Danny) makes me feel guilty for napping or what I don't get done around the house. It makes me feel like such a failure and so misunderstood. I don't want to be this person who is tired and in pain. I don't want to have these serious health problems at a young age, but I do. I didn't do anything wrong, it just happened. And is hereditary and tests can't tell you whether you will have it or not.You just have to have your heart checked periodically. A medical mystery. Yay me and my children and their children! Not!

I also am NOT going to let people get to me. I will stand up and show that I will not tolerate that kind of treatment. I could walk away, but I am in the keep fighting mood and they will not bring me down.

I have to keep fighting to survive in all aspects of my life.

I know it takes a lot of time to recover and, even though I have shown such miraculous recovery, that I would have hard times and sickness and anxiety would wipe me out and could reverse the good that has been done.

A friend of mine said, "Poor girl, you just can't catch a break."

So I wanted to let people know how I am doing today.
I have always loved this song...Yes ANOTHER song!


Bring on the rain by Jo Dee Messina.

Another day has almost come and gone 
Can't imagine what else could go wrong  
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door  
A single battle lost but not the war
 
'Cause, tomorrow's another day 
And I'm thirsty anyway  
So bring on the rain
 
It's almost like the hard times circle 'round 
A couple drops and they all start coming down  
Yeah, I might feel defeated and I might hang my head 
I might be barely breathing but I'm not dead, no
 
'Cause, tomorrow's another day  
And I'm thirsty anyway  
 So bring on the rain, ooh
 
I'm not gonna let it get me down I'm not gonna cry 
 And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight
 
'Cause, tomorrow's another day  
And I'm thirsty anyway  
So bring on the rain
 
'Cause, tomorrow's another day 
And I'm thirsty anyway  
So bring on the rain, ooh
 
Bring on, bring on the rain
 
No I'm not gonna let it get me down  
I'm not gonna cry  

So bring on the rain, ooh 
Bring on, bring on the rain  
Bring on the rain  
Bring on the rain, ooh

My ramblings...

 My sister Amber helped Alisha and McKenna make these for me when I was in the hospital.

I just hung them by my bed so I can look at them as I fall asleep. Now I need ones with the other two.

 I bought a medical bracelet so if I am unconscious with no one I know, they will know my conditions and meds. The other one a lady made me when she heard my story.
It says heart failure, Stroke, survivor. Thank you for thinking of me and making me smile and a positive way to look at what happend to me.

 I visited with one of my cardiologists.

 I got bored and took pictures of the info in the room

 This is your heart

 This is inside your heart.

 This side is weird looking.

 Brain and heart functions.

 This made me remember the late actor John Ritter and I miss him. HE was cool!

The bruised fingers after, being poked to death, to tell me I am taking too much
Warfarin (rat poison)

So we now know to change the dosage AGAIN.

Joy. NOT.

I would absolutely prefer to bleed to death than have another stroke. That was the worst thing ever! The procedure to extract them still haunts my dreams.

I sure love that I have been given a second chance at life and still feel a little scared, and know that I still have unfun test to have done and anything can happen.

For now, I just want to be happy and enjoy my life in the moment with those who truly matter.

Anxiety will always be with me, but I am doing much better at dealing with and controlling it.

I will keep trying to be a good and loving person to the best that I can do. I will stand up for me and what I believe in. I will be me.

I can be happy!
It's up to me.

Those who would rather see me hurt or dead don't bother me anymore.
I don't hurt and it doesn't bother me, but if they take it out on my kids...WATCH OUT! I am coming for you. Hopefully, we will never see those negative, selfish people again. If they have a problem with me or Danny, they can take it up with God to find forgiveness. I have forgiven and moved waaaayy on.


On a different note, my therapist is loving an Idea I have of finding inner peace and chasing away my demons.

He asked me if it would be okay to teach this technique to his other patients. I said go for it.

I always wanted to be a child psychologist. It is in me.