Not A Pity Party...

I have been a little troubled lately. I was suggesting to a child that they should marry a certain individual that I like and deem worthy. Now before everyone starts preaching to me, I want you to know that I have always thought of myself as a wanna be match maker when in fact Danny has been the successful one on a couple of occasions.

Well let me get back to the point. After stating my opinion Danny stated that this child should NOT marry this person due to their health issues. Another child said that that wasn't very nice ( I did too, it was a mean.) They then said "Are you saying you wouldn't have married Mom then?"

His reply was "No I wouldn't have knowing my children could have inherited Idiopathic Dialated Cardiomyopathy." Now this may have felt like a punch to the stomach for me and my kids were a little upset by his revelation.

But...

He is right. Right?

All of us "damaged" people should be sent off to some far island were we can die alone. Isn't that what Hitler was doing? Who could love us?

I remember Dr. Wang telling me that IDCM is hereditary, my mom has it as well. Tears sprang to my eyes and I though WHAT HAVE I DONE to my kids?! How can this be happening? I would never had kids had I known, although it is not certain that any of them will get it. But I felt and still feel guilty and panic when they tell me their hearts are doing weird things. Things I know all too well.

It also makes me feel that I am undesirable as a wife. I am a throw back.

Just like in the Divergent series, the world wants to get rid of the people who are faulty. The books are not necessarily about health but same guide lines.

I am not going to dwell on this to much longer because it was out of my hands and in no way my fault. I believe that all people need love and companionship especially those who have to deal with the lot God gave them. For they are the strongest people you will ever meet.

Personality Test...

(A friend at work who I wish I could find a niece to marry, told me about this test so I took it. I was surprised to find it 100% accurate.)

Portrait of an INFJ - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
(Introverted Intuition with Extraverted Feeling)

---

The Protector

As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals.

INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.

In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.

The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.

Blackbird fly...

Looking back on the last year and a half, I have been so lost and scared out of my mind.

I know that I should have looked upon my unlikely situation and find the golden lining to my life.

But for so long I was not me. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep. Most of the things I did were self-destructive – cutting, and thoughts of suicide. I was even angry and had NO trouble telling people exactly how I felt, without a thought of the consequences for my actions. Now know that I did have a right to say how I felt, but not in the manner that I did it.

Around Halloween I started having non stop anxiety and was withdrawing from life even more than before, which you wouldn't think possible. I was holding on by a thread.

Throughout my life, I have never let myself experience happiness until I had reached a certain perceived level of perfection or accomplishment. Not skinny enough? Sorry, can’t be happy. Not in control of my emotions? Sorry, can’t be happy. Don’t have my life all figured out? Sorry, you can’t be happy. These are the kinds of things I told myself. These thought patterns have been part of who I am since I was a very young child and have affected the entire course of my life. I keep myself down, I keep myself in a rut, because I don’t let good things happen until I have achieved my ideal, if ever that may happen.

Problem is, my “ideal” is unrealistic and unattainable. I am NEVER going to be able to have total control of my life and what is going to happen. So as long I do not allow myself to be happy until control and stability in my life is attained, I will never, ever be happy. Until I relinquish my quest for a perfect life. I will continue to keep myself down unless I somehow learn to live in the moment and let go of the  expectations I have of myself. If I  don't let go, I will never allow myself to realize my dreams and experience any measure of happiness in life.

I won’t let myself experience life to the fullest.

Knowing how my thoughts were wrong but unable to change how I thought was driving me insane. I knew I was given the gift of being here with my family but I wasn't really here.

 That is when I looked up and saw the angel in the sky. 

I missed the feeling of joy and happiness. I wondered if I would ever feel it again. Misery and emptiness was all I felt. Can you feel emptiness, why yes you can. How can you feel nothing, something that is missing, oh wait, that is what you feel. You remember how you should feel. I ended up at the doctor knowing I needed help. I ended up in a worse place trying to go off one antidepressant to another and all the while having withdrawl syptoms. I ended up in a place that changed my life. And to think all this could have changed had I known I could change the one medication the rat poison Coumadin. When I tried to explain how I felt to a doctor, He said the words that haunted me before I could. "How can you look at the miracle of your life and wish you were dead?" I was caught off guard and relieved at the same time. I was understood by someone. This is when something in me clicked. I was calm and knew everything was going to be okay.  He said the very thing that was haunting me since I woke from the coma was addressed. How could I ever admit this to people? What would my family think? How horrible am I? How ungrateful?

I was also not alone. God was not mad at me for my thoughts. HE understood too. I had to go through what I did to become whole again. I was getting help with people who could relate. Oh how I learned so much. I found myself helping others and somehow, being a source of light for others in darkness.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Now I won't lie, I have my issues and always will, but I am now free from the everlasting darkness. Although money is super tight, I am still doing well. I am however gaining weight from one of my medications, but I am alive and feel. I may get tears still, but usually they are tears of joy and heartwarming stories. I am alive and HE has never left my side.

I AM NEVER GOING TO BE PERFECT.
I AM ALWAYS GOING TO HAVE PROBLEMS OF SOME SORT.
I AM ALWAYS GOING TO MAKE MISTAKES.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECT FAIRY TALE ENDING, ONLY A NEW BEGINNING OF A NEW ADVENTURE.
I’m always going to have flaws and imperfections. I’m never going to feel happy all of the time. There will always be struggles, whether it be with myself, in my marriage, with my family, whatever… I’m never going to be perfect…
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT.
THERE IS JUST ME.
I AM ME.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I AM OK WITH THAT.

Troubled Waters...

People have been asking about me...

Here is the only answer I can give.

This picture perfectly describes how I have been feeling for the last year. 

Here, but not really here.

I have not felt like myself. The doctors said it would take a few years, but with my progress, I didn't think I would still feel this way after a year and 4 months.

I quit therapy. I didn't like him all that much. Also, I couldn't quite explain the empty hole I feel. It is like a part of me did not come back or died permanently. 

Sadly, it is the part of me that felt joy. I can't seem to connect with it.

Why is it the part I need most now seems so inaccessible. 

It's like I can feel the edge of it, but not quite grasp it.

Is it gone forever?

 The rainbows and stormy weather have reminded me that in all things their is diversity.

I have a brain injury. Not a huge one, but I know now that the brain is so complex and a tiny bruise can cause a wide variety of problems. It will heal, but it takes awhile.

 I am depressed and constantly filled with anxiety. I feel pain in my heart on a regular basis and my digestive system has been so out of wack since the hospital. I also have had the worst periods ever that leave me so weak I can barely function.

All this and my toes on my left foot involuntarily causing cramping and tight muscles and  is now happening to my left hand and arm. Keeps me awake at night and is so annoying. It's like not being able to stop your flexing muscles and the ability to relax. I can't even make my toes and fingers curl like that on purpose! Grr...

The problem is which doctor do I talk to and will they do anything?

 I am also quick to anger. I have done a lot of things since being home that I regret, yet not really 100% regret. I can tell people how I feel, but I don't mean to hurt them. I just want certain people OUT of my life forever.

 I am trying to be more helpful and learn new things. I find that trying to look up everything I don't know about teaches helps me to feel less dumb. I have trouble with math, spelling and finding words. I even studder sometimes. My memory is not at its best either. People seem so surprised when I don't remember an event or something.

Can it be fixed?

 I try to find support where I can. I read blogs and I listen to Christian music.Which to my surprise, my girls listen to too. It has been a healing and strengthening tool for us to use.

 I feel a strong connection to my Savior and Heavenly Father. I know that they love me and although I feel I can not handle these trials, that I really can. It is so hard to know that I am letting them down with my whining and tears. It is okay to feel how I do. Even though my family is fed up with me, I know that they don't or can't understand. 

I just have to keep moving forward.

 This little tyke sure does help. And so does her big sister. 

Their wonder and love lift me and fill me with purpose and make me laugh a lot!

Although my life is stormy and I feel overwhelmed with doctor appointments, tests, and health issues, I can look up and see the sun. 

The Heavens seem closer to me in ways I can't explain, I just feel it. Like a memory you can't quite grasp. I can feel the angels around me and see the signs so much better than before.

 

I also feel those that have passed around me all the time and am not afraid of death. I just want a better quality of life. I know I have so much to be thankful for and things could be so much worse. People all over the world are suffering and some have it worse than others. 

The thing I learned is that ALL of us are important. Some peoples troubles may be worse than yours, but every ache we feel is real and just as important as the next person's. Jesus died for us and felt every single thing we feel. He knows and carries us. He loves us and we owe it to Him to love one another as he would and have Faith. We need to believe in ourselves. We are stronger than we think and we are never alone.

Broken Things to Mend

Jeffrey R. Holland

The first words Jesus spoke in His majestic Sermon on the Mount were to the troubled, the discouraged and downhearted. “Blessed are the poor in spirit,” He said, “for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”¹ Whether you are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or among the tens of thousands listening this morning who are not of our faith, I speak to those who are facing personal trials and family struggles, those who endure conflicts fought in the lonely foxholes of the heart, those trying to hold back floodwaters of despair that sometimes wash over us like a tsunami of the soul. I wish to speak particularly to you who feel your lives are broken, seemingly beyond repair.

To all such I offer the surest and sweetest remedy that I know. It is found in the clarion call the Savior of the world Himself gave. He said it in the beginning of His ministry, and He said it in the end. He said it to believers, and He said it to those who were not so sure. He said to everyone, whatever their personal problems might be:

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.”

In this promise, that introductory phrase, “come unto me,” is crucial. It is the key to the peace and rest we seek. Indeed, when the resurrected Savior gave His sermon at the temple to the Nephites in the New World, He began, “Blessed are the poor in spirit who come unto me, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” 

For the rest of the talk go Here.

Motherhood...

Last night I spent some "me" time reading a book until my girls came home from Mutual.

 Then about 9pm I heard the loud footsteps on the stairs up to the door then loud voices and laughter that let me know that they were finally home.

It made me smile.

Then Taisha came in my room and showed me the fruit "flower" arrangement she made. It smelled so delightful. She later juiced the fruit and enjoyed her healthy drink. Taisha and Danny have been on a health kick lately. (Mostly Taisha)

I can't tell you how badly I wish we had a garden this year so it wouldn't cost us so much in fruits and veggies and they wouldn't go bad before we got to use them.

Sigh...Hopefully next year.

McKenna looked desperately for a present for her friend, Skyler lost his phone and wallet, and Alisha was hungry. And, Danny was still working.

Any who...

I looked at my kids last night and remembered them being little. I miss that so much.

For moms out their, I will share what I have learned.

  I know even the tiniest of people have their own big opinions. It does matter how I cut their sandwiches-either squares or triangles, and it really does matter if they put their shirt or pants on first. Everyone wants a voice. I have to provide my children opportunities to be heard. I even let Alisha wear her "unique" clothes because she felt so beautiful and that is what really matters. Not wearing what we pick out and having their hair the way we want. They all still have their voices, but are a little different about it as teens.

  I know I can recognize my child’s cry out of hundreds of children.The moment I would hear them, I was there to see to their needs.

  I know now what it means to be a “Mamma Bear.” I feel the heat in my face and the pounding of my heart when someone crosses my child. Whether it’s just a hornet sting or playground bully, watch out — this Mamma Bear fights for her cubs.

  I know love (and cartoon Band-Aids) make most things better. I’m still amazed the magical power a kiss has to “make it all better.” And for the upsets too big for a Band-Aid, it’s the love that gets us through the hard stuff. "Dr. Mom says your going to live."

 I know that my children make the world more beautiful. Watching as your kids come up to you and say "I picked these for you." With a huge smile and feeling the love radiate around you, even if they were your favorite flowers or a weed. Children need to find beauty in all things. This teaches them to look for the good and how we treat them in these moments tells all. If we say no thank you that is a weed or throw away their picture, they are crushed inside and feel like a good deed isn't appreciated.

9. I know all of my children are incredibly unique and special. Of course, we are all individuals, but I’m in awe at just how different four people can be. And with that knowledge, it’s important that I parent each of them differently. Same still goes with teenagers!

10. I know to fear the quiet more than worry about the noise. The house can get really loud when the TV is on, toys are running and children are laughing (or screaming). But it’s the quiet moments when I really need to investigate. Those are the moments when someone is rubbing shampoo into the carpet or coloring on the walls. Now that they are teens, I know trouble is starting when I hear noise. LOL
d

11. I know I can do hard things. I prove that truth to myself every day. Motherhood has stretched me to the edge of my physical and emotional capacity and required a broad depth of stamina.( Glad I don't have little ones now because I have lost my stamina and ability to deal due to health. I realize that I am still a good mother, even if I can't be the same mom they are used to me being and we are all adapting slowly to accept me for who I am now.

12. I know I am a better person because I am a mother. I love more, laugh more and serve more because I am Mom. Motherhood has exposed my weaknesses, showed my strengths and brought me humbly to my knees as I strive to live up to the title of "Mommy."

 

BRING ON THE RAIN

SO...

Anyone who knows me, knows I suffer from depression.

Life has thrown a lot at me and I have barely survived. I am not very strong or optimistic.

I am...working on it.


I have been extremely exhausted and losing a lot of blood. I went in to the doctor to see what is going on and why I don't feel good or have any energy. He told me he didn't think it was my heart, but rather the warfarin(rat poison) that has been really hard to control lately.

You would think by now that I would be used to it, but it is causing some problems. Bruises show up everywhere and I look like Alisha does when she has low platelets.

They ran some tests and found me to be extremely low in iron. So I have researched this. My mom and Amber are anemic, but I never really paid attention due to me being healthy. The symptoms matched up perfectly, but worried me. Iron deficiency can cause problems with your heart. I certainly don't need any more of that.

I got really worried about it causing my heart to enlarge again and go down in work efficiency. I can't handle that right now. My family (especially Danny) makes me feel guilty for napping or what I don't get done around the house. It makes me feel like such a failure and so misunderstood. I don't want to be this person who is tired and in pain. I don't want to have these serious health problems at a young age, but I do. I didn't do anything wrong, it just happened. And is hereditary and tests can't tell you whether you will have it or not.You just have to have your heart checked periodically. A medical mystery. Yay me and my children and their children! Not!

I also am NOT going to let people get to me. I will stand up and show that I will not tolerate that kind of treatment. I could walk away, but I am in the keep fighting mood and they will not bring me down.

I have to keep fighting to survive in all aspects of my life.

I know it takes a lot of time to recover and, even though I have shown such miraculous recovery, that I would have hard times and sickness and anxiety would wipe me out and could reverse the good that has been done.

A friend of mine said, "Poor girl, you just can't catch a break."

So I wanted to let people know how I am doing today.
I have always loved this song...Yes ANOTHER song!


Bring on the rain by Jo Dee Messina.

Another day has almost come and gone 
Can't imagine what else could go wrong  
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door  
A single battle lost but not the war
 
'Cause, tomorrow's another day 
And I'm thirsty anyway  
So bring on the rain
 
It's almost like the hard times circle 'round 
A couple drops and they all start coming down  
Yeah, I might feel defeated and I might hang my head 
I might be barely breathing but I'm not dead, no
 
'Cause, tomorrow's another day  
And I'm thirsty anyway  
 So bring on the rain, ooh
 
I'm not gonna let it get me down I'm not gonna cry 
 And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight
 
'Cause, tomorrow's another day  
And I'm thirsty anyway  
So bring on the rain
 
'Cause, tomorrow's another day 
And I'm thirsty anyway  
So bring on the rain, ooh
 
Bring on, bring on the rain
 
No I'm not gonna let it get me down  
I'm not gonna cry  

So bring on the rain, ooh 
Bring on, bring on the rain  
Bring on the rain  
Bring on the rain, ooh

My ramblings...

 My sister Amber helped Alisha and McKenna make these for me when I was in the hospital.

I just hung them by my bed so I can look at them as I fall asleep. Now I need ones with the other two.

 I bought a medical bracelet so if I am unconscious with no one I know, they will know my conditions and meds. The other one a lady made me when she heard my story.
It says heart failure, Stroke, survivor. Thank you for thinking of me and making me smile and a positive way to look at what happend to me.

 I visited with one of my cardiologists.

 I got bored and took pictures of the info in the room

 This is your heart

 This is inside your heart.

 This side is weird looking.

 Brain and heart functions.

 This made me remember the late actor John Ritter and I miss him. HE was cool!

The bruised fingers after, being poked to death, to tell me I am taking too much
Warfarin (rat poison)

So we now know to change the dosage AGAIN.

Joy. NOT.

I would absolutely prefer to bleed to death than have another stroke. That was the worst thing ever! The procedure to extract them still haunts my dreams.

I sure love that I have been given a second chance at life and still feel a little scared, and know that I still have unfun test to have done and anything can happen.

For now, I just want to be happy and enjoy my life in the moment with those who truly matter.

Anxiety will always be with me, but I am doing much better at dealing with and controlling it.

I will keep trying to be a good and loving person to the best that I can do. I will stand up for me and what I believe in. I will be me.

I can be happy!
It's up to me.

Those who would rather see me hurt or dead don't bother me anymore.
I don't hurt and it doesn't bother me, but if they take it out on my kids...WATCH OUT! I am coming for you. Hopefully, we will never see those negative, selfish people again. If they have a problem with me or Danny, they can take it up with God to find forgiveness. I have forgiven and moved waaaayy on.


On a different note, my therapist is loving an Idea I have of finding inner peace and chasing away my demons.

He asked me if it would be okay to teach this technique to his other patients. I said go for it.

I always wanted to be a child psychologist. It is in me.

Stranger and wiser...

What a strange and awesome day so far...

So..

I awoke this morning to a light knock at the door. Danny quickly jumps up to see who would be at our house at 5 in the morning, when we hear Taisha and a boy talking with happiness in their voices and the door closed.

Danny confused asked me what was going on? LOL
He probably thought she was sneaking off with a boy, not to sneakily I would say.

I was smiling from the moment I heard their happy voices and told Danny come back to bed and that Taisha is running with her friend Brandon Hoffman. In fact, they have done something everyday this week with all their friends. They hiked they Y and rode their bikes up to Bridal Veil Falls and rock climbed. She is such a health nut and enjoys being outdoors like her Dad and I.

Then she told me an idea she and her friends have for a friend who is moving at the end of the summer. (More on that maybe later). This is Taisha's awesome thing she can share if she wants to.

So we went to the store. It was fun.

Then I went to work and found a police officer walking out of the building. Thinking...this can't be good and what a great way to start the work day.

Well, I handled it and have been told by many that I did well. I also spread the word that 911 calls are not to be taken lightly because people like me need them to respond quickly and if they are out chasing these pranks, or accidental calls, people who need them will have less chance of survival.

I also received this email from an individual at work:

"Thank you for your email. I could tell you were very passionate, and now after you shared some of your challenges with me, I understand even better the critical nature of your concerns.

You are a great example to me, and everyone that knows you.

Thanks for being who you are."

---------------------------

My story has been going around and I have been contacted by some interesting and what I would call angels to help me along my way. Most people have forgotten or think that my problems are solved or behind me, but they are most definitely not. At any time I could have another heart failure or stroke. It scares me, but I am learning everyday to let go and live my life.

A father of Taisha's good friend on her climbing team, an ex police officer,  heard my story and said that it was such a miracle and that he usually is the first on the scene and it takes the paramedics at least 14 minutes to get there. With my situation, I would have not made it. He was so wowed by my story and that I survived that he was so grateful that he heard this story because so often,  the stories in his line of work have such a sad ending. It made me feel kind of awkward, but his big smile and kindness of how wonderful my story was, made me feel it was less a horrible thing that happened.

Then...

A lady in California that was staying at the hotel we were at, was told by my hubby about me and what she had to say was exactly what Danny needed to be reminded of. She was so kind and seemed to be one of those angels who gave me love and support. It made me feel like I could help people and think of this in a more positive way.

Also...
A lady sent in her resume for a job here and had her blog at the end of her signature, so being a blog lover, I read it, at work, you know to see if she was crazy and hirable... :)

I somehow got taken to 5/12/2012 post. I didn't read the date until after, but she talked about living in two realms: the realm of the ordinary world of getting up in the morning and answering the phone, and going to work, the world of traffic and noise and obligations: and the realm of stopped time where her sister is dead and she was shrouded in confusion of her loss. 

For me I am still dealing with all the people I have lost in a year. But I also have to deal with this also happening to me and not knowing how I was going to live and keep moving forward when all I wanted to do is ask "Why?"

I do not know how we are going to survive all these trials but I also knew that grief was private and a journey each of us would have to make alone, until I couldn't keep it to myself anymore and had to scream out loud for all to hear. You are tired of living, and you say : life is an evil. Sooner or later you will be consoled and you will say: life is good.  We do not want to comprehend that people may and do die , and recognize the terror in ourselves when we cannot seem to help someone in despair-- even when it is yourself and when people try to help with words that are empty. How can they understand my pain...They can't.

 My soul is oppressed with the weight of life. For a long time it has been a burden to me: I have lost everything that could have endured it to me, only the sorrow remains to me. I was ready to die, but I didn't.

Again. "Why?' I felt so much grief.

This condition is called post-traumatic stress syndrome. But I prefer to call it simply disbelief. There are certain things in life for which we can never be prepared. I do not know how I was able to laugh again. I am still trying to deal with how to not feel fear every time my children walk out the door, or when the phone rings, not wanting to hear bad news or a sudden pain in my chest or numbness.

But in life, nothing  actually dies. Everything goes on existing, always. No power on earth can obliterate that which has once had being. Every act, every word, every form, every thought, falls into the universal ocean of things, and produces a ripple on its surface that goes on enlarging beyond the furthest bounds of eternity. The most mysterious part of grief is that you think you can will it away. You can refuse to think about it. In one part of your mind you can hold it, but sometimes you have to let it go. You often war with it. You grieve for a lifetime because those we love are a part of us even after they have left us, even after they have betrayed us, and our love for them, by taking their life with their own hands. Some times grief comes to visit again like a long lost friend. It is mysterious, but never take it for granted. Get to know it well as you know your best friend. In moments when I should have been happy, I sometimes fretted. At times, in secret, I succumbed to periods where I wanted to spend mornings sleeping or lingering in the bedroom, sometimes almost paralyzed by a heaviness and mysterious fatigue that would not lift. At times I viewed the world darkly: isolated and consumed by a sense of foreboding, I thought the only those who had experienced the loss of a loved on could understand. During those periods it was as if I was only going through the motions of living. Time doesn't really heal, it only makes living more bearable.

re•sus•ci•ta•tion

re·sus·ci·tate  re·sus·ci·tat·ed, re·sus·ci·tat·ing : To restore consciousness, vigor, or life to.

We tend to think of resuscitation has bringing back a person from the brink of death.

It also means to restore vigor and life to.

We all can all do this after suffering from a tragedy or depression.

 

I am still working on the after resuscitation after the reviving of my life.

 

I don't understand why I feel lost and like an empty shell, like something is missing.

 

But I will not give up on me.

Life is a gift...learn to enjoy it!

Carrie Underwood - Lessons Learned

This is how I feel about my actions of late.

 I don't regret being honest and sticking up for myself, but I have made mistakes too. 

I have grown stronger and will not look back only forward.

If you can't get over whatever problems you have with me, that is your problem. 

After I got home, I got sick of all the sh*&!

Life is precious and we waste it bickering, being competitive and back stabbing. Mostly not feeling good about ourselves and taking it out on someone else and pointing out their flaws.

I may have more to say now, because I KNOW what you don't. 

Don't die with regrets. 

Therapy...

I have not talked about me started therapy really. It was a step I knew I had to take, but was unsure what would come of it. 

Well...

I felt as though my therapist couldn't help me and I knew everything he was already telling me. I have tried for years to fix me and find peace within myself...to feel love for who I am and not hate.

So...

Yesterday we actually made some progress. I came to understand that I am using techniques to help me that are only avoiding the problem instead of dealing with it. I have had anxiety since I was a little girl. I NEVER learned how to process the horrors of my past. A little girl should not have ever had such horrible things happen and not be helped or fixed. Ignoring it does not make it go away. That is why I am worried about my kids even though they are teenagers, I know they have been traumatized too. Maybe not the same as me, but trauma is trauma.

So since I have gone through a trauma recently that was the SCARIEST and most invasive unpleasant thing I have  EVER gone through. I realize that I need to finally teach myself how to process these things and not let them build into the nightmare I live inside...

Linkin Park's song Iridescent describes the way I felt in the hospital and now. I just have to learn to let it go...

When you were standing in the wake of devastation
When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown
With the cataclysm raining down
Your insides crying, "Save me now"
You were there, impossibly alone.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failures all you've known.
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go.
Let it go.

And in a burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
You felt the gravity of tempered grace
Falling into empty space
With no one there to catch you in their arms.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failures all you've known.
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go.
Let it go.

So after hearing about the next step in my therapy is EMDR, I looked it up to better understand how it works and what I could expect. He told me he would use the method below or paddles. I think though it will be the light bar.

I have copied an article, because I didn't want to type it all out in my own words. 

I only share this with one thing in mind...

Maybe helping someone else who is suffering. Also so people know that I am trying really hard to be a different person. A happy person who can enjoy whatever life she has left.

 

What is the actual EMDR session like?

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is an integrative psychotherapy approach that has been extensively researched and proven effective for the treatment of trauma. EMDR is a set of standardized protocols that incorporates elements from many different treatment approaches. To date, EMDR therapy has helped millions of people of all ages relieve many types of psychological stress. Below is a Brief Description of EMDR Therapy.

Francine Shapiro developed Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) in 1987, after observing that the mind can heal itself during rapid eye movement or REM sleep. It is used to work successfully with trauma, Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, depression, anxiety and a host of other health problems.

When we are traumatized the memory and emotions of the event can become “frozen” in our brain, in a "raw" and emotional form, rather than in a verbal more fluid and flowing “story” mode. This becomes an isolated memory network with its own emotions and physical sensations disconnected from the brain’s cortex. Whenever we experience similar events that remind us of the original traumatic event, we re-experience the thoughts and emotions frozen in our limbic system from the trauma. It is hard to live in the present moment. Often you feel cloudy, confused and afraid without always knowing why. EMDR helps create the connections between your brain’s memory networks, enabling your brain to process the traumatic memory in a very natural way.

One treatment is to use a small machine, which has hand pulsars. First you determine how fast and strong you want the pulsars and then we work with reframing the feelings and messages that you have frozen in your body from trauma. There is a prodigal that I use for this work.

With repeated sets of using the pulsars, the memory tends to change in such a way that it loses its painful intensity and simply becomes a neutral memory of an event in the past. Other associated memories may also heal at the same time. This linking of related memories can lead to a dramatic and rapid improvement in many aspects of your life.

The pulsars are also used to help core feelings of relaxation, healthy self-images, and safety images. The bilatel stimulation felt in the body through the hands helps positive thoughts and feelings to fully and strongly anchor in the felt sense of the body. The client is in complete control of the session and usually they feel empowered, alert and very present after a session. Reprocessing is experienced as something that happens spontaneously, and new connections and insights are felt to arise quite naturally from within. As a result, most people experience EMDR as being a natural and very empowering therapy.

Struggling...

I have been struggling awhile now with depression, anxiety, and borderline panic attacks. I feel really lost inside and super emotional. My family does not seem to understand what I am going through and it leaves me feeling alone. They want the old "mom" back and I don't know where she is. I am healing at miracle speeds, but that doesn't mean my body is up to all the stuff I could do. My brain is still healing and will take a year or more to make a recovery. I struggle sometimes with memory and it makes me feel horrible (poor Aunt Maxine).  My left hand seems to be the same for awhile now. It works, but I have issues still. My heart goes through spells of beating too hard, being too irregular, dizzy spells, trying to palpate like it used to, but not being able too. It is weird to feel the signs of what used to be, but have things fixed and changed. I am tired a lot, but I don't take naps. Often when I stand up, my hands and face and lips tingle and feel numb, often they twitch. It is super weird. My voice is softer and it takes a lot of energy to talk so people can hear me, most of the time they don't and I just stop trying to be in the conversation. I also have had hearing problems. I know that I can't control what happens to me and I need to listen to my body. It has only been five months and my pacemaker has only had to work once, before my second surgery to fix the misfiring in my heart. I have had so far no other incidents that would set it off. I REALLY dread the defibrillator going off. They say it will feel like a horse kicked you in the chest.!!!!

I know I am at fault for being unstable most of the time, but it's not all me. My family act differently and don't know it. I feel like I am constantly hearing how different I am from so many people and I HATE it! The old me is not gone, but I don't know where she went. I am more confrontational and less of a peacemaker. I have been telling people how I feel and it has made a difference in those relationships as well. I know I could do some damage, but I am not weak in that way where I don't stand up for myself anymore.

I know more than most people that life is uncertain. No money for ever+health problems=living hell.

I will not live my life in the shadows anymore. I am going to LIVE!

People in my life that bring me down are not going to be in that life and it feels good. It makes me feel free like my soul is not longer chained to negative and is floating towards the sun.

I have been told also that people can not possibly understand what I am going through.

That makes me feel more alone. I need my kids and husband to at least try. They are who matters. I feel like I take a time out, think about how I was wrong and where they are coming from, but they don't do the same for me. It's like I am screaming inside, well I actually do that so often. I scream and scream. I feel little joy and no motivation. I am restricted on what meds I can take for EVERYTHING so I am trying to be my own therapist. Danny helps, but he makes it worse too.

We are flipping a house with Stacy and Danny needed the entire families help. He was frustrated and mad at me for not doing more. I feel very hurt by this because it was barely 4 months since the "incident" and I am not up to hard work. Just being back to work wears me out and I can't do much at home, although I usually push through it until I know to STOP. I knew I was contributing, but not as much as he wanted.

One day we went to Costco and he stopped at the cameras. He had told the family before, that I needed a new camera and that he wanted me to get back to what I loved doing. He was thinking of me and trying to help me find joy again. I smiled at how thoughtful and sweet he was. Well, I walked up to him and he said " Too bad you didn't earn your camera. We should tell the kids so they can learn a lesson." I stood there understanding what he said, but hurt by the way he did it.

So...I told the kids the "lesson". They kind of looked surprised and some a little upset. Not for them but for me. Then yesterday, he wrote a list of things to pay when and if we get money from the house. Skyler and Taisha got the same amount for they would go to the house without being asked and helped. McKenna was an excellent worker when she did show up and Alisha well, let's just end there. Danny was getting a personal amount that far surpassed us. I don't want to go to deep into this private affair, but I understood where he was coming from, but felt hurt again by the comments on how I CAN do more and I could have at least hung out with him. I would have gotten more credit for sitting and watching feeling guilty and horrible than resting and trying to kind of keep up with the house. With us all working the house was a super mess. I failed that too.

I felt my heart break at his disappointment in me and I got sick of arguing my case. I could try harder, or should I? It makes me feel so much more lost. I am not whining. I don't talk to them about how I feel physically or emotionally because like Danny says, "they don't understand"

I have shared a lot of very personal self and opinions here on my blog. If my honesty makes you feel uncomfortable, or you feel I am a complicated mess, you can avoid me, not read my blog or facebook. You can forget I exist. I will understand. I hate the tip toeing around me. I am who I am even if I don't know who that is anymore.

If you feel you have to talk to a therapist because of me or things I do, then I am sorry. I NEVER mean to hurt anyone. I have people tell me what I do wrong and I should be able then to do the same.

Being my own therapist is hard...
 I Try to find strength and inspiration where I can. I know what to do and what is right, but the emptiness and anxiety can outweigh reason sometimes and I let myself sink back down to Earth.

I am NOT perfect. I will never be, but I am trying to learn and share my progress.

“How to treat your spouse better”

LESSON SUMMARY:  Taught by Bishop Caldwell
Bishop Caldwell taught the combined Priesthood and Relief Society, 5th Sunday lesson today.  He entitled it “How to treat your spouse better”.  These are notes I took from the meeting.

Bishop started off by asking the class to talk about the differences between men and women.   He made a chart on the board that looked something like this:

(Understand that these are all generalizations, not the same for EVERY man and EVERY woman.)


WOMEN                                                               MEN                                  
Stronger                                                                                    Strong
More emotional                                                                        Less emotional
More gentle                                                                                    Less gentle
More verbal                                                                                    Less talkative
Make connections                                                                        Good at compartmentalizing
More Spiritual                                                                                    Spiritual
Good at multitasking                                                                        Single tasking
Women show love through                                                            Men show love through
            Kind words                                                                                    Physical touch
            Service
            Quality time
            Gifts
Use the present to understand the past                                    Use the present to help with future
Harder time forgiving                                                                        Forgive easily
Have need for friends in addition                                                Think their wife is their best friend
            to their husbands
Compare themselves to others, critical of self                        Generally think they are doing good          


The Bishop related the analogy of a mother and father who take their child to the park to play on the playground, and as the child is going off to play, what does the mother say?

“BE CAREFUL!”

And the Father follows it up with?

“HAVE FUN!”

So the question is, who is right?

They both are!  Together, they are both right.  However, alone, they are both wrong.  If the child always hears, only to be careful, he will never learn to have fun, and never know having fun is ok.  By the same token, if he only hears he should just have fun, he will never know how important it is to be careful and cautious.

It’s important that we let our spouses do their job, allow them to do their job.  Our loving Heavenly Father made us different.  We shouldn’t attack those differences, embrace them!

The Proclamation to the family says fathers and mothers are to be equal partners, but that we each have our God given responsibilities.  Allow and help each other fulfill those sacred obligations.

Isaiah 58 says that we will be judged the way we judge others.  That includes our spouse.  Treat your companion the way you want to be treated!