So..
I awoke this morning to a light knock at the door. Danny quickly jumps up to see who would be at our house at 5 in the morning, when we hear Taisha and a boy talking with happiness in their voices and the door closed.
Danny confused asked me what was going on? LOL
He probably thought she was sneaking off with a boy, not to sneakily I would say.
I was smiling from the moment I heard their happy voices and told Danny come back to bed and that Taisha is running with her friend Brandon Hoffman. In fact, they have done something everyday this week with all their friends. They hiked they Y and rode their bikes up to Bridal Veil Falls and rock climbed. She is such a health nut and enjoys being outdoors like her Dad and I.
Then she told me an idea she and her friends have for a friend who is moving at the end of the summer. (More on that maybe later). This is Taisha's awesome thing she can share if she wants to.
So we went to the store. It was fun.
Then I went to work and found a police officer walking out of the building. Thinking...this can't be good and what a great way to start the work day.
Well, I handled it and have been told by many that I did well. I also spread the word that 911 calls are not to be taken lightly because people like me need them to respond quickly and if they are out chasing these pranks, or accidental calls, people who need them will have less chance of survival.
I also received this email from an individual at work:
"Thank you for your email. I could tell you were very passionate, and now after you shared some of your challenges with me, I understand even better the critical nature of your concerns.
You are a great example to me, and everyone that knows you.
Thanks for being who you are."
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My story has been going around and I have been contacted by some interesting and what I would call angels to help me along my way. Most people have forgotten or think that my problems are solved or behind me, but they are most definitely not. At any time I could have another heart failure or stroke. It scares me, but I am learning everyday to let go and live my life.
A father of Taisha's good friend on her climbing team, an ex police officer, heard my story and said that it was such a miracle and that he usually is the first on the scene and it takes the paramedics at least 14 minutes to get there. With my situation, I would have not made it. He was so wowed by my story and that I survived that he was so grateful that he heard this story because so often, the stories in his line of work have such a sad ending. It made me feel kind of awkward, but his big smile and kindness of how wonderful my story was, made me feel it was less a horrible thing that happened.
Then...
A lady in California that was staying at the hotel we were at, was told by my hubby about me and what she had to say was exactly what Danny needed to be reminded of. She was so kind and seemed to be one of those angels who gave me love and support. It made me feel like I could help people and think of this in a more positive way.
Also...
A lady sent in her resume for a job here and had her blog at the end of her signature, so being a blog lover, I read it, at work, you know to see if she was crazy and hirable... :)
I somehow got taken to 5/12/2012 post. I didn't read the date until after, but she talked about living in two realms: the realm of the ordinary world of getting up in the morning and answering the phone, and going to work, the world of traffic and noise and obligations: and the realm of stopped time where her sister is dead and she was shrouded in confusion of her loss.
For me I am still dealing with all the people I have lost in a year. But I also have to deal with this also happening to me and not knowing how I was going to live and keep moving forward when all I wanted to do is ask "Why?"
I do not know how we are going to survive all these trials but I also knew that grief was private and a journey each of us would have to make alone, until I couldn't keep it to myself anymore and had to scream out loud for all to hear. You are tired of living, and you say : life is an evil. Sooner or later you will be consoled and you will say: life is good. We do not want to comprehend that people may and do die , and recognize the terror in ourselves when we cannot seem to help someone in despair-- even when it is yourself and when people try to help with words that are empty. How can they understand my pain...They can't.
My soul is oppressed with the weight of life. For a long time it has been a burden to me: I have lost everything that could have endured it to me, only the sorrow remains to me. I was ready to die, but I didn't.
Again. "Why?' I felt so much grief.
This condition is called post-traumatic stress syndrome. But I prefer to call it simply disbelief. There are certain things in life for which we can never be prepared. I do not know how I was able to laugh again. I am still trying to deal with how to not feel fear every time my children walk out the door, or when the phone rings, not wanting to hear bad news or a sudden pain in my chest or numbness.
But in life, nothing actually dies. Everything goes on existing, always. No power on earth can obliterate that which has once had being. Every act, every word, every form, every thought, falls into the universal ocean of things, and produces a ripple on its surface that goes on enlarging beyond the furthest bounds of eternity. The most mysterious part of grief is that you think you can will it away. You can refuse to think about it. In one part of your mind you can hold it, but sometimes you have to let it go. You often war with it. You grieve for a lifetime because those we love are a part of us even after they have left us, even after they have betrayed us, and our love for them, by taking their life with their own hands. Some times grief comes to visit again like a long lost friend. It is mysterious, but never take it for granted. Get to know it well as you know your best friend. In moments when I should have been happy, I sometimes fretted. At times, in secret, I succumbed to periods where I wanted to spend mornings sleeping or lingering in the bedroom, sometimes almost paralyzed by a heaviness and mysterious fatigue that would not lift. At times I viewed the world darkly: isolated and consumed by a sense of foreboding, I thought the only those who had experienced the loss of a loved on could understand. During those periods it was as if I was only going through the motions of living. Time doesn't really heal, it only makes living more bearable.
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