Struggling...

I have been struggling awhile now with depression, anxiety, and borderline panic attacks. I feel really lost inside and super emotional. My family does not seem to understand what I am going through and it leaves me feeling alone. They want the old "mom" back and I don't know where she is. I am healing at miracle speeds, but that doesn't mean my body is up to all the stuff I could do. My brain is still healing and will take a year or more to make a recovery. I struggle sometimes with memory and it makes me feel horrible (poor Aunt Maxine).  My left hand seems to be the same for awhile now. It works, but I have issues still. My heart goes through spells of beating too hard, being too irregular, dizzy spells, trying to palpate like it used to, but not being able too. It is weird to feel the signs of what used to be, but have things fixed and changed. I am tired a lot, but I don't take naps. Often when I stand up, my hands and face and lips tingle and feel numb, often they twitch. It is super weird. My voice is softer and it takes a lot of energy to talk so people can hear me, most of the time they don't and I just stop trying to be in the conversation. I also have had hearing problems. I know that I can't control what happens to me and I need to listen to my body. It has only been five months and my pacemaker has only had to work once, before my second surgery to fix the misfiring in my heart. I have had so far no other incidents that would set it off. I REALLY dread the defibrillator going off. They say it will feel like a horse kicked you in the chest.!!!!

I know I am at fault for being unstable most of the time, but it's not all me. My family act differently and don't know it. I feel like I am constantly hearing how different I am from so many people and I HATE it! The old me is not gone, but I don't know where she went. I am more confrontational and less of a peacemaker. I have been telling people how I feel and it has made a difference in those relationships as well. I know I could do some damage, but I am not weak in that way where I don't stand up for myself anymore.

I know more than most people that life is uncertain. No money for ever+health problems=living hell.

I will not live my life in the shadows anymore. I am going to LIVE!

People in my life that bring me down are not going to be in that life and it feels good. It makes me feel free like my soul is not longer chained to negative and is floating towards the sun.

I have been told also that people can not possibly understand what I am going through.

That makes me feel more alone. I need my kids and husband to at least try. They are who matters. I feel like I take a time out, think about how I was wrong and where they are coming from, but they don't do the same for me. It's like I am screaming inside, well I actually do that so often. I scream and scream. I feel little joy and no motivation. I am restricted on what meds I can take for EVERYTHING so I am trying to be my own therapist. Danny helps, but he makes it worse too.

We are flipping a house with Stacy and Danny needed the entire families help. He was frustrated and mad at me for not doing more. I feel very hurt by this because it was barely 4 months since the "incident" and I am not up to hard work. Just being back to work wears me out and I can't do much at home, although I usually push through it until I know to STOP. I knew I was contributing, but not as much as he wanted.

One day we went to Costco and he stopped at the cameras. He had told the family before, that I needed a new camera and that he wanted me to get back to what I loved doing. He was thinking of me and trying to help me find joy again. I smiled at how thoughtful and sweet he was. Well, I walked up to him and he said " Too bad you didn't earn your camera. We should tell the kids so they can learn a lesson." I stood there understanding what he said, but hurt by the way he did it.

So...I told the kids the "lesson". They kind of looked surprised and some a little upset. Not for them but for me. Then yesterday, he wrote a list of things to pay when and if we get money from the house. Skyler and Taisha got the same amount for they would go to the house without being asked and helped. McKenna was an excellent worker when she did show up and Alisha well, let's just end there. Danny was getting a personal amount that far surpassed us. I don't want to go to deep into this private affair, but I understood where he was coming from, but felt hurt again by the comments on how I CAN do more and I could have at least hung out with him. I would have gotten more credit for sitting and watching feeling guilty and horrible than resting and trying to kind of keep up with the house. With us all working the house was a super mess. I failed that too.

I felt my heart break at his disappointment in me and I got sick of arguing my case. I could try harder, or should I? It makes me feel so much more lost. I am not whining. I don't talk to them about how I feel physically or emotionally because like Danny says, "they don't understand"

I have shared a lot of very personal self and opinions here on my blog. If my honesty makes you feel uncomfortable, or you feel I am a complicated mess, you can avoid me, not read my blog or facebook. You can forget I exist. I will understand. I hate the tip toeing around me. I am who I am even if I don't know who that is anymore.

If you feel you have to talk to a therapist because of me or things I do, then I am sorry. I NEVER mean to hurt anyone. I have people tell me what I do wrong and I should be able then to do the same.

Being my own therapist is hard...
 I Try to find strength and inspiration where I can. I know what to do and what is right, but the emptiness and anxiety can outweigh reason sometimes and I let myself sink back down to Earth.

I am NOT perfect. I will never be, but I am trying to learn and share my progress.