On My Way to Somewhere...

In the news today, there is a story about a woman who died after an emergency c-section Liz's story here and a young man who is in a coma due to serious head trauma with the words, if he survives...he will never be the same person he was before and a man has to try to raise his daughters without a wife and now faces financial issues due to losing her income.

Words my family heard...

I always felt that if something bad happened to me, I would end up like those two people...

But, it didn't.

I am baffled. I have suffered so much in my life. Things that were so hard and scary to deal with and overcome. During these times I felt so alone and unloved, well, mostly undeserving of His love. I felt that I must be a horrible person...

So, when I went through this...

I woke up confused. I have mentioned that I didn't understand why I was alive. They told me that the doctors were so positively sure that I would not survive or be the same.

I feel guilt over surviving. When I saw my friend Tracy, it was hard to look at her. Was she wondering why I survived and not Sean? Did she resent me? The day after I got home marked his 1 year anniversary of his death.

My Nilsson side had lost my cousin in October 2008, then my beloved Grandma shortly after in February 2009. Then last year, in October my cousin, January my uncle and...then they almost lost me.

I was dealing with so much hurt over death already. The doctors told me it would be a long time before I healed from all that happened to me, but my life would be different...

It was so hard. I felt like it was never going to get better and then..

I healed in record time.

Then I felt bad that my mom was not getting better, but I was. Does she resent me? Does she feel unloved by Heavenly Father? I know she does.

The guilt is killing me.

So...

I have decided to change that. my marriage and relationships are affected by me so I need to take ME back.

Or...learn who I am now and love her.

Pray for me...I am on my way to the unknown and it hurts now but therapy is the answer. I need to figure it all out.