Last week I called my doctor, at the urging of my two moms (Mel and My mom). I had left side tingling and numbness and difficulty concentrating. It was bugging me, but I figured it was just from circulation or something normal. So..I called the nurse and she told me that she thought I was having another stroke and to go to the ER right now.
I whispered okay and she said promise me to go now!
I hung up and started to have a panic attack. I shakily called Danny and when I tried talking, I just ended up crying. He of course is annoyed with me because he is concerned so I got a hold of myself and told him what was going on.
I was so scared and thoughts of them going in my brain like last time freaked me out more.
I took a deep breath and told myself to calmly walk out of the bathroom and to keep my head down so no one would see my puffy face and quickly get to Melory and tell her I have to leave.
Why doesn't things work the way you want them too???
I get back to our area and I realize she has people in her office doing payroll. She sees my face and motions for me to come in. I shake my head no, but she gets up so I, not wanting to make a scene open the door and poke my head in. She asks what is wrong now everyone in a mile radius can here and I start crying like a dork and tell her I need to go to the ER.
Suddenly, to my horror, people are around and she asks how I am going to get there. I tell her I am driving and she says nooooo your not. So Naleta, who is my visiting teacher, offers to drive me. The hospital is a road a way, but okay.
When I get there, they there they say are you Desirae? I was a little surprised and said yes and they all jump to attention and take me back to the trauma room. I am not even sitting yet and they are hooking me up to machines and asking questions. I find I can't talk and try to answer but I am confused and don't think anything is really wrong with me. I am so out of it I don't notice them putting an IV in me until it was done.
I immediatly go back for CT scans to check for clots then xrays.
On the way back to the room my nurse asks if they can call someone to come be with me. I tell them Danny is on his way, but when we reach the room, he is already there as well as my mother in law...
I am so embarrassed that he called his mom and he tells me my mom is on her way too...
I feel stupid because it is probably nothing and we could have waited to tell people if there was a problem.
The ER doctor, who I adore, sits with me and we talk while waiting for the test results.
My mom asks questions and Danny. I just remain quiet so he pays more attention to me. He almost ignores everyone else because he sees another possibility why I am there.
The results come back negative for a clot and he tells us that it may have been a mini stroke or anxiety. We will never know. I tell him that I have been super anxious and worried about not helping enough everything. He never looks away from me and then Danny stands up and walks over to me and says "That would be my fault. I have put a lot of pressure on her lately and expected a lot of her. She has been feeling really guilty and stressed about that." The doctor looks at him and nods.
I talk to him about it a bit more and he tells me and makes sure everyone is listening. He said "Reading her records, I would not believe the story of what happened to her if I had not read it for myself, She has been on the brink of death, not only once but too many times, and this is a very hard thing to deal with."
He said more, but that stuck with me...
The brink of death.
I know anxiety could have caused it, but the ruling of the hospital was a mini stroke. My coumadin isn't working like it should so I needed to adjust it again.
Well, I don't know if I will publish this, because I don't want to sound like a broken record or that I feel sorry for myself , but people were mad I didn't tell them, I did post on facebook, but...anyways.
I guess I put one foot in front of the other and keep on moving. Heavenly Father is watching out for me. If I listen and wait for his promptings, I will know what to do and be ever in his watchful care. I am so...thankful that he spared me and that I can go on to be a better person than before.
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