Blackbird fly...

Looking back on the last year and a half, I have been so lost and scared out of my mind.

I know that I should have looked upon my unlikely situation and find the golden lining to my life.

But for so long I was not me. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep. Most of the things I did were self-destructive – cutting, and thoughts of suicide. I was even angry and had NO trouble telling people exactly how I felt, without a thought of the consequences for my actions. Now know that I did have a right to say how I felt, but not in the manner that I did it.

Around Halloween I started having non stop anxiety and was withdrawing from life even more than before, which you wouldn't think possible. I was holding on by a thread.

Throughout my life, I have never let myself experience happiness until I had reached a certain perceived level of perfection or accomplishment. Not skinny enough? Sorry, can’t be happy. Not in control of my emotions? Sorry, can’t be happy. Don’t have my life all figured out? Sorry, you can’t be happy. These are the kinds of things I told myself. These thought patterns have been part of who I am since I was a very young child and have affected the entire course of my life. I keep myself down, I keep myself in a rut, because I don’t let good things happen until I have achieved my ideal, if ever that may happen.

Problem is, my “ideal” is unrealistic and unattainable. I am NEVER going to be able to have total control of my life and what is going to happen. So as long I do not allow myself to be happy until control and stability in my life is attained, I will never, ever be happy. Until I relinquish my quest for a perfect life. I will continue to keep myself down unless I somehow learn to live in the moment and let go of the  expectations I have of myself. If I  don't let go, I will never allow myself to realize my dreams and experience any measure of happiness in life.

I won’t let myself experience life to the fullest.

Knowing how my thoughts were wrong but unable to change how I thought was driving me insane. I knew I was given the gift of being here with my family but I wasn't really here.

 That is when I looked up and saw the angel in the sky. 

I missed the feeling of joy and happiness. I wondered if I would ever feel it again. Misery and emptiness was all I felt. Can you feel emptiness, why yes you can. How can you feel nothing, something that is missing, oh wait, that is what you feel. You remember how you should feel. I ended up at the doctor knowing I needed help. I ended up in a worse place trying to go off one antidepressant to another and all the while having withdrawl syptoms. I ended up in a place that changed my life. And to think all this could have changed had I known I could change the one medication the rat poison Coumadin. When I tried to explain how I felt to a doctor, He said the words that haunted me before I could. "How can you look at the miracle of your life and wish you were dead?" I was caught off guard and relieved at the same time. I was understood by someone. This is when something in me clicked. I was calm and knew everything was going to be okay.  He said the very thing that was haunting me since I woke from the coma was addressed. How could I ever admit this to people? What would my family think? How horrible am I? How ungrateful?

I was also not alone. God was not mad at me for my thoughts. HE understood too. I had to go through what I did to become whole again. I was getting help with people who could relate. Oh how I learned so much. I found myself helping others and somehow, being a source of light for others in darkness.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Now I won't lie, I have my issues and always will, but I am now free from the everlasting darkness. Although money is super tight, I am still doing well. I am however gaining weight from one of my medications, but I am alive and feel. I may get tears still, but usually they are tears of joy and heartwarming stories. I am alive and HE has never left my side.

I AM NEVER GOING TO BE PERFECT.
I AM ALWAYS GOING TO HAVE PROBLEMS OF SOME SORT.
I AM ALWAYS GOING TO MAKE MISTAKES.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PERFECT FAIRY TALE ENDING, ONLY A NEW BEGINNING OF A NEW ADVENTURE.
I’m always going to have flaws and imperfections. I’m never going to feel happy all of the time. There will always be struggles, whether it be with myself, in my marriage, with my family, whatever… I’m never going to be perfect…
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT.
THERE IS JUST ME.
I AM ME.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I AM OK WITH THAT.