Troubled Waters...

People have been asking about me...

Here is the only answer I can give.

This picture perfectly describes how I have been feeling for the last year. 

Here, but not really here.

I have not felt like myself. The doctors said it would take a few years, but with my progress, I didn't think I would still feel this way after a year and 4 months.

I quit therapy. I didn't like him all that much. Also, I couldn't quite explain the empty hole I feel. It is like a part of me did not come back or died permanently. 

Sadly, it is the part of me that felt joy. I can't seem to connect with it.

Why is it the part I need most now seems so inaccessible. 

It's like I can feel the edge of it, but not quite grasp it.

Is it gone forever?

 The rainbows and stormy weather have reminded me that in all things their is diversity.

I have a brain injury. Not a huge one, but I know now that the brain is so complex and a tiny bruise can cause a wide variety of problems. It will heal, but it takes awhile.

 I am depressed and constantly filled with anxiety. I feel pain in my heart on a regular basis and my digestive system has been so out of wack since the hospital. I also have had the worst periods ever that leave me so weak I can barely function.

All this and my toes on my left foot involuntarily causing cramping and tight muscles and  is now happening to my left hand and arm. Keeps me awake at night and is so annoying. It's like not being able to stop your flexing muscles and the ability to relax. I can't even make my toes and fingers curl like that on purpose! Grr...

The problem is which doctor do I talk to and will they do anything?

 I am also quick to anger. I have done a lot of things since being home that I regret, yet not really 100% regret. I can tell people how I feel, but I don't mean to hurt them. I just want certain people OUT of my life forever.

 I am trying to be more helpful and learn new things. I find that trying to look up everything I don't know about teaches helps me to feel less dumb. I have trouble with math, spelling and finding words. I even studder sometimes. My memory is not at its best either. People seem so surprised when I don't remember an event or something.

Can it be fixed?

 I try to find support where I can. I read blogs and I listen to Christian music.Which to my surprise, my girls listen to too. It has been a healing and strengthening tool for us to use.

 I feel a strong connection to my Savior and Heavenly Father. I know that they love me and although I feel I can not handle these trials, that I really can. It is so hard to know that I am letting them down with my whining and tears. It is okay to feel how I do. Even though my family is fed up with me, I know that they don't or can't understand. 

I just have to keep moving forward.

 This little tyke sure does help. And so does her big sister. 

Their wonder and love lift me and fill me with purpose and make me laugh a lot!

Although my life is stormy and I feel overwhelmed with doctor appointments, tests, and health issues, I can look up and see the sun. 

The Heavens seem closer to me in ways I can't explain, I just feel it. Like a memory you can't quite grasp. I can feel the angels around me and see the signs so much better than before.

 

I also feel those that have passed around me all the time and am not afraid of death. I just want a better quality of life. I know I have so much to be thankful for and things could be so much worse. People all over the world are suffering and some have it worse than others. 

The thing I learned is that ALL of us are important. Some peoples troubles may be worse than yours, but every ache we feel is real and just as important as the next person's. Jesus died for us and felt every single thing we feel. He knows and carries us. He loves us and we owe it to Him to love one another as he would and have Faith. We need to believe in ourselves. We are stronger than we think and we are never alone.

Broken Things to Mend

Jeffrey R. Holland

The first words Jesus spoke in His majestic Sermon on the Mount were to the troubled, the discouraged and downhearted. “Blessed are the poor in spirit,” He said, “for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”¹ Whether you are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or among the tens of thousands listening this morning who are not of our faith, I speak to those who are facing personal trials and family struggles, those who endure conflicts fought in the lonely foxholes of the heart, those trying to hold back floodwaters of despair that sometimes wash over us like a tsunami of the soul. I wish to speak particularly to you who feel your lives are broken, seemingly beyond repair.

To all such I offer the surest and sweetest remedy that I know. It is found in the clarion call the Savior of the world Himself gave. He said it in the beginning of His ministry, and He said it in the end. He said it to believers, and He said it to those who were not so sure. He said to everyone, whatever their personal problems might be:

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.”

In this promise, that introductory phrase, “come unto me,” is crucial. It is the key to the peace and rest we seek. Indeed, when the resurrected Savior gave His sermon at the temple to the Nephites in the New World, He began, “Blessed are the poor in spirit who come unto me, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” 

For the rest of the talk go Here.