Sandy is home...

We went up to visit my Grandpa Nilsson and Uncle Tracy. I took a picture of my uncle, but it wasn't on the memory card when we got it back :(

My uncle has MS and I think it is a good thing for my grandpa to have another person around.

We took little Aunya up to meet her Great Grandpa and meet my cousin Josh's little Marissa.

My Aunt Stephanie and my Marilyn my Grandma N. sister came up to visit with us.

Here is one month old Aunya and one week old Marissa with her Aunt Bree holding her.

We talked, laughed and caught up with one another. My Grandpa keeps saying how he wants to go be with my Grandma. It breaks my heart, but she is with us now. I KNOW it and feel it.

Danny also helped me tell how I woke up out of it and told them my Grandma helped me back. This made my Grandpa very happy and brought a few tears. It was such a wonderful day! I love visiting Sandy my childhood, teenage home:)

A Sweet Note...

This is so weird but i had to tell you. So last night I was really sick and up all night puking anyway I finally fell asleep and in my dream I was in the hospital and you were the only one that came to visit me and you kept whispering nice things to me and when I woke up I felt so much better. Miss and love you aunt Des ♥-Kelly

 

For the 4th of July last year we went to Lake Powell and brought My niece KellyBean. On the way home she got really sick and was throwing up. I felt so bad and kept loving her. So when I read this, it reminded me of that. 

Her note on facebook sure brightened my day.

Love you KellyBean!!!

REMEMBERING...

 HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDMA! I MISS YOU SO MUCH AND THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME FIND MY WAY BACK! I LOVE YOU!

We celebrated by having Mexican food for dinner. My Grandma loved Mexican food, but my Grandpa didn't so when we came to visit, she would take us to get Mexican food. Miss those days!

Everything is going to be ok...or is it?

I hate so bad to open myself to about what I am about to reveal about myself.

I don't believe everything is going to be alright. I struggle daily with my will to keep going.

No one could possibly understand what it is like to be me. I have to build up EVERY muscle in my body, to weigh myself daily and take blood pressure daily. To take pills all day and to have a list of rules that say to watch for this and to call if it happens, then call and they act like nothing is wrong or send me to the ER for nothing. I don't know which doctor to talk to about what. My family Doctor is afraid of me. I feel like such a freak. 

I see people going about their lives, happy and enjoying life to the fullest. It hurts. It will be so long before I can, IF I can. 

Knowing I am such burden on my husband and kids. Feeling their disappointment in me that today I don't feel good and that I should just shut up and do it. The feeling of guilt at what I have done to them.

I can't stop crying. I don't sleep well, I try to pretend all is well, but today I can't.

I am tired of trials. I am tired of death around me. I am tired of wondering if God is punishing me for being a bad person and if today is my last day and feeling so alone. Afraid of saying what I need to say. People sick of the negative. And wishing I could just scream and wake up from this nightmare.

I am so afraid and confused. I am supposed to be grateful for a second chance. I am so horrible for having these feelings. 

The shame of not being strong enough.

I should be feeling and thing like this...