Everything is going to be ok...or is it?

I hate so bad to open myself to about what I am about to reveal about myself.

I don't believe everything is going to be alright. I struggle daily with my will to keep going.

No one could possibly understand what it is like to be me. I have to build up EVERY muscle in my body, to weigh myself daily and take blood pressure daily. To take pills all day and to have a list of rules that say to watch for this and to call if it happens, then call and they act like nothing is wrong or send me to the ER for nothing. I don't know which doctor to talk to about what. My family Doctor is afraid of me. I feel like such a freak. 

I see people going about their lives, happy and enjoying life to the fullest. It hurts. It will be so long before I can, IF I can. 

Knowing I am such burden on my husband and kids. Feeling their disappointment in me that today I don't feel good and that I should just shut up and do it. The feeling of guilt at what I have done to them.

I can't stop crying. I don't sleep well, I try to pretend all is well, but today I can't.

I am tired of trials. I am tired of death around me. I am tired of wondering if God is punishing me for being a bad person and if today is my last day and feeling so alone. Afraid of saying what I need to say. People sick of the negative. And wishing I could just scream and wake up from this nightmare.

I am so afraid and confused. I am supposed to be grateful for a second chance. I am so horrible for having these feelings. 

The shame of not being strong enough.

I should be feeling and thing like this...