Why oh why?

I just read NieNie's book and can now relate to her even better. There is a part or me that I would like to say is still sleeping. No one can possibly understand what it feels like to wake up with people asking you if you know where you are and what happened to you.

As time went by, It really hit me. My life is forever different.

Because I died....

My best friend asked me if I saw her husband. This question made me quite uncomfortable because I don't know. 

I weird part of me feels rejected by God.

Did he not want me? Was I not good enough?

Are there really angels looking out for me? I used to believe there were.

These questions may seem stupid to you, but with all I have been through, I am confused.

I loved the people in the ICU. They were so attentive and supportive. I never told anyone about how I feel lost. 

Having Dr's and nurses come to meet me because they can't figure out how I am alive didn't help  me either. Talk about feeling like a freak.

I would wake up in the ICU startled by someone screaming or crying out. Hearing people running around  and feeling so alone haunts me.

I know I am not the only one to go through this, and I know people have to live with much worse.

It's just hard. I have so many rules to follow...

like I have to drink water, but not too much water. 

NO SALT.

Like how am I to do that.

I also take meds all day, have therapists in and out and am scared of what horrible thing is going to happen next. I would like a DNR(Do not Resuscitate), but that is selfish. My next surgery is 6/25 where they will fix the misfiring of my heart. :(

I have learned to let go. I need to only have people in my life that make me happy. I feel so crappy about myself that I don't need to hear negative crap from other people who like to make others miserable.

I wish I knew the purpose of me being here. Death really wanted me. How come I am here? Will I ever truly wake up? Or is this my punishment for being a bad person? Will I feel again? 

I am afraid to see people because I know they are thinking I am a freak. 

I am doing so good with all my therapies, except math. I was always good at math. Maybe it will come back to me. That my insurance may cancel all my therapies. I guess that is kind of a good thing that I am way far ahead of where I should be...

On a lighter more happier note

 Autumn and Austin had little Aunya yesterday 6-7-12. She weighed 6ibs 2oz and was 19 inches long. She is so beautiful and I am so excited!