I am a person who bares all...good, bad and just plain crazy.
I hate all things about me.
I hate my ugly teeth.
I hate my fatness.
I hate that I give in to the anxiety that keeps me from enjoying and doing things with the people I love.
I hate that I have the anxiety disorders. It makes me damaged and crazy in peoples eyes, especially mine.
I hate that I loose my temper.
I hate that people are afraid of me.
I hate that people feel they need to walk on egg shells around me.
I hate that I have no confidence.
I hate that I am not the wife and mother my family needs.
I hate that I whine and complain.
I hate that I am a pessimist.
I hate that I am poor white trash.
I hate that people can't count on me.
I hate that I can't be myself.
I hate that I can't be happy.
I hate that I struggle believing in the church.
I hate that I don't always follow through with things.
I hate that I can't stop these feelings and make a change permanent.
I hate feeling so alone.
The truth is, there is the real person inside of me who no one knows, well some people know.
I have walls.
It took some good friends and my grandma, whom I looked up to...
to make me realize some things.
and oh and how it hurt to hear...
and accept.
I am sorry to all for my craziness.
I am the type of person who keeps taking it for awhile and then blows...and then immediately feels super regret and guilt...this lasts forever. I then feel like everyone would be better off without me.
I am working really hard to get rid of the anxiety so I no longer have a "disorder". I just want to be like everyone else and feel that I am worth the love of my friends and family, but mostly my Heavenly Father. I feel like such a failure in his eyes.
I don't want people to have negative views of me, but that protective shell is all I put out there for people to see.
Please know that I am sorry, and my intentions are good. But sometimes I don't make my intentions clear enough for others to understand, and I am so often wrong.
But my intentions are good.
No comments:
Post a Comment